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FRIENDLY REMINDER

2019.10.12 00:38 _ClassicRock_ FRIENDLY REMINDER

Reasons why you shouldn't be friends/in contact with your ex or unrequited love.
1) It's another way to avoid dealing with the pain of a break-up or loss but you will have to deal with it sooner or later, like when your ex starts dating someone else... and it will happen
2) It shows your ex that you don't have the confidence to walk away from someone that has ALREADY told you that they don't see a future with you
3) It relieves your ex of their guilt
4) It shows your ex that you are willing to settle for less than what you want. You lose your self-respect; they lose respect for you
5) It shows your ex that you are not strong or confident enough to stand on your own two feet
6) It will keep the pain fresh and give you false hope
7) Instead of living your life and healing, you will spend that time analysing your ex's behaviour. "does this mean he/she wants to get back together?" or you will spend your time trying to manipulate your own behaviour so that they will want you back (it's not fun).
8) You will have to see how much fun they are having when they are free and single without you tying them down
9) You will have to repress your true feelings because you are the one that accepted this arrangement, trying to let your ex believe that you are cool with it
10) Your ex can sleep with you/lead you on/tease you/hang out together, but if you get "the wrong impression" your ex can say, "but babe, we're just friends, remember? You agreed to that and I don't want to be tied down right now." Ouch.
11) It will stop YOU from meeting and seeing (with your heart) people that WILL want to be with you. from meeting someone that will not be happy with just being friends. Someone that is so crazy about YOU, that friends simply won't do.
12) You will probably see or hear about your ex flirting with someone else, or worse, sleeping with them. Like a knife to your heart. Gah!
13) It keeps you in a perpetual state of limbo where you are uncertain about what your future holds (in a bad way)
14) It does nothing to help your self esteem and dignity (which is low after a break up anyway) because you are asking yourself, "why doesn't my ex want to be with me? what is so wrong with me that I'm right here waiting for them and they still turn me down?"
15) It doesn't give you time to get perspective or clarity or to learn anything from the relationship. You can only look at something objectively when enough time has passed. You cannot do that if you are in the middle of the hurricane.
16) It lets your ex use YOU as their emotional tampon (where you have to soak up all of their problems), where you are there for them when THEY need you. But with them it's a different story when it comes to YOUR needs. Also, you may be reluctant to express your needs because you want to be "cool" and not put any "pressure" on your ex, so they don't think you are asking too much of them. In the end it just drives you crazy because you can't act how you want to act. You become frustrated version of yourself which drives you to be even more clingy.
17) If there's a true basis for friendship, it will still be there in six months, a year, or however long you need to heal and move on. There's no rush.
18) If your ex is already in a relationship/dating and you keep in touch with them it will give them an ego boost and it will make their new relationship MORE successful than if you weren't around. Why? Because you are a good distraction for what might be going wrong in their new relationship. If their new relationship is only half as fulfilling, they will go to YOU to fill in the gaps, then when they cuddle up to their new partner at night, the ex is fulfilled. But if you go away and make yourself scarce, then your ex must make a choice as to whether his new relationship is fulfilling in all the ways as they would like.
19) It won't give your ex a chance to miss you if you stay in contact, any contact. People only appreciate something when it's gone or when they don't have access to it. Think about someone or something that is in your face everyday - a friend/acquaintance who contacts you a bit TOO much, your favourite food that is always in the fridge, a shirt that you like to wear that is hanging in your wardrobe. You take for granted something when it is available.
But when you can't have it, you want it MORE. You feel a bit more lonely now that your friend that hasn't been contacting you at all and you realise just how fun they were to have around. Your favourite food has gone out of production and so you start craving some to eat because it's not available to buy anymore. Your favourite shirt has gone missing so you turn the house upside down looking for it because you realise just how great it looks on you.
I'm not necessarily saying that it will make your ex come back, but it IS basic psychology to appreciate something that is not available anymore, and that goes for your dumper ex appreciating the great things about you. It also lets the negative reasons why they broke up with you to fade away, and for the good feelings to return. Even if your ex is begging you to stay friends, this point STILL applies!
20) They can't miss you if you are hanging around like a bad smell. If you take them at their word and leave and disappear into the fog, it WILL make your ex re-think their decision and whether it was the right choice to leave you, even if they only end up considering it for a split second. Doesn't mean that the decision will be reversed in your favour, but they will ask themselves, "did I do the right thing?"
Original thread here with more reasons: Reasons why you shouldn't be friends/in contact with your ex! (add your own)
submitted by _ClassicRock_ to ExNoContact [link] [comments]


2019.08.23 20:45 _ClassicRock_ Reasons why you shouldn't be friends/in contact with your ex or unrequited love.

NOTE I don't take credit for this post BUT think it is awesome and REALLY needed to see it TODAY. And thought I'd share it with you fine folks
Reasons why you shouldn't be friends/in contact with your ex or unrequited love.
- it's another way to avoid dealing with the pain of a break-up or loss but you will have to deal with it sooner or later, like when your ex starts dating someone else... and it will happen
- it shows your ex that you don't have the confidence to walk away from someone that has ALREADY told you that they don't see a future with you
- it shows your ex that you are willing to settle for less than what you want
- it shows your ex that you are not strong or confident enough to stand on your own two feet
- it will keep the pain fresh and give you false hope
- instead of living your life and healing, you will spend that time analysing your ex's behaviour. "does this mean he/she wants to get back together?" or you will spend your time trying to manipulate your own behaviour so that they will want you back (it's not fun).
- you will have to see how much fun they are having when they are free and single without you tying them down
- you will have to repress your true feelings because you are the one that accepted this arrangement, trying to let your ex believe that you are cool with it
- your ex can sleep with you/lead you on/tease you/hang out together, but if you get "the wrong impression" your ex can say, "but babe, we're just friends, remember? You agreed to that and I don't want to be tied down right now." Ouch.
- it will stop YOU from meeting and seeing (with your heart) people that WILL want to be with you. from meeting someone that will not be happy with just being friends. Someone that is so crazy about YOU, that friends simply won't do.
- you will probably see or hear about your ex flirting with someone else, or worse, sleeping with them. Like a knife to your heart. Gah!
- it keeps you in a perpetual state of limbo where you are uncertain about what your future holds (in a bad way)
- it does nothing to help your self esteem and dignity (which is low after a break up anyway) because you are asking yourself, "why doesn't my ex want to be with me? what is so wrong with me that I'm right here waiting for them and they still turn me down?"
- it doesn't give you time to get perspective or clarity or to learn anything from the relationship. You can only look at something objectively when enough time has passed. You cannot do that if you are in the middle of the hurricane.
Walk away with dignity people! If your ex changes their mind - they know how to use a freaking phone or send you a letter, even! I'm sure that you can count on your hand AT LEAST five different ways that your ex can contact you if they change their mind AND want to make it clear to you that you are the love of their life. But staying friends is NOT an option!
here is link to original posting SOURCE: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=381011
submitted by _ClassicRock_ to ExNoContact [link] [comments]


2019.02.17 20:25 Whereami259 Moving on (or how I did it before)

Years ago my then 4 year relationship ended. It was with a girl that I've known from since the beginning of my high school.

I was 21 at a time and it was rough. It happened right after christmass but I could sense it coming for the last 2 months of our relationship.

Any how, at first I did a lot of mistakes, I wanted her back so badly that I would call her, text her, blah blah, and all I would get back is "f*ck off".

I'm now at another heartbreak and I'm just trying to remember how it was before,so I would like to share some of my experiences with you. For some of you,it might help,for others maybe not.

The most important thing I learned about moving on is time. Nothing beats time. It takes time,and sometimes a lot of it.

This time,what I am starting with is no contact. No contact whatsoever. Blocked her posts on fb, muted her conversation, blocked her phone number on my phone (it's a cool features most phones today have). Throw away anything that reminds you of them.

Now, you might ask yourself "but what if she wants to get back with you". The answer in my head is simple. If I take a look at my friends and myself, there are not really a lot of successful getting back together stories. Even more, the ones that got back together broke up quickly after that and things were a lot worse for them emotionally.
What if they really really really want you to get back together and you still love them and are sure that you could forgive them? Well, one fb message or half minute call should not be enough for you to run back to them (you really should have more self worth than that).

Last time I did this,my ex contacted me 3 months after I cut all contact,and I foolishly got hooked on that and ended up heartbroken again a week after.

Another thing I'll do is making myself better (though I'm doing this for the past few years since "the big breakup"), take hobbies, finish projects you started, start new projects and hang out with your friends (or make new friends - meetups are cool way to do this). Oh, and dont forget putting yourself in uncomfortable situations.

Get a new haircut, improve your wardrobe (look at alpham on youtube, he has some good things about fashion).

This really gets your head away from the breakup,and thus works with time to help you move on. Putting yourself in uncomfortable situations helps you learn how actually awesome you are, whether you win or fail - you did it!

One thing I'll try this time is trying to invest my time that I would spend thinking of her into carving a small boat out of block of wood. It's pretty cheap thing to do, it's calm enough that lets you think about things and is engaging enough that you should not get overly emotional. It's not overly messy so you can pretty much do it in you apartment if you take a small bucket for shavings. Once I'm finishing the boat - I'll burn it as a symbol of my moving on.

What else can I recommend?
1.) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9mbp0DugfCA&t=389s - this video. I wont spend many words on it,just watch it.
2.) Movie: The Swingers from 1996. - Great movie to help you put everything into perspective
3.) Movie: Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind - Movie that guides you through the "forgetting" phase of breakup in an interesting way
4.) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZT_JlqDPTHA - this music video, I dont understand a thing, but I watched it whole and it has reaaaaly nice twist on the end.
5.) Getting back together success stories on enotalone forum - this one is for those that hold onto hope , which I think is not really good, but sometimes you need just that one thing to move you through the day to let time do it's thing.
6.) Go on dates! (but don't lead them on)
7.) install Tinder (it helps to see what else is out there, just dont get your expectations too high).
8.) Charisma on command youtube channel has some good and insightful ideas about why you feel the way you feel.

What not to do:
- DO NOT CONTACT YOUR EX
- don't get into other relationships too early - it will make things harder for you, it will hurt the other person (this happened to me now).
- don't turn to alcohol too much (or other drugs) - it's all fun and games until you have a hangover and feel miserable the other day.
- DO NOT CONTACT YOUR EX!

Now to finish the story - my ex tried contacting me twice after the first time. Once was 6 months after breakup and another time it was 10 months after breakup. The 6 months thing, I just didn't respond (it was simple "hi" mail - not worth my time or energy). The 10 months thing was her calling me from her sisters phone crying and all that - I told her that it's ok, but I cant help her with anything currently, I had a bit more of moving on to do and I wasnt interested in another heartbreak.

How long will it take? Probably longer than you hope. It took me almost certainly a year to get over it all, and probably another few months to move on as I should. I wasn't ready (although I tried a few times) to get into any sensible relationship for probably 2 years. It takes time, if I didn't make some mistakes along the line, I would probably get over her sooner.

Sorry if this is long, I enjoyed reading posts like this during the "big breakup" and they helped me a lot, so this is my payback to society, I hope this helps other people too. If somebody has questions, feel free to PM me. I can only give you advice about the way things went for me though.

And remember - YOU CAN MAKE IT, YOU ARE WORTH SO MUCH MORE!

EDIT: I came upon a poem that once helped me go through tough times so I'd like to share this with you:
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.

It's Invictus by William Ernest Henley.
submitted by Whereami259 to BreakUps [link] [comments]


2019.01.07 22:26 Redditdatingadvice I (27M) am missing the single life, but love being in a relationship. Is the grass greener? TL;DR at bottom.

I've been dating this girl I met on a dating app for about 6 months. We became official BF/GF after a month of dating and said "I love you" about 4 months in. Shes an incredible person and has her life together (steady career, excellent credit) and we have a ton of fun together. We have matching personalities in the sense that I can 100% be myself around her.

The issue I'm having is that I've been single (short and long term dating, but not official) for about 6 years. Throughout my singleness, most of my friends have been in relationships and I've always been that kind of guy that wanted to be in a relationship. It got to the point where I could feel and sense my own desperation and was constantly looking for a girlfriend.

Lately, after being with my girlfriend for a few months, I've been feeling very distant with her and have been longing for the single life of being able to go out and do whatever I want to do. The majority of my longing is that its nice to be able to be "selfish" and go out and do whatever I want to do without taking anybody else into consideration. However, I also honestly miss the "first dates" with women and the excitement that comes along with it. There are times when I look at my girlfriend, and although I am attracted to her, I can't help but think about other women, especially when we are out in public.

To summarize my girlfriend, she has the kind of "hipstenerdy" personality with a "preppy" sense of fashion. She likes to read and stay in watching netflix, and her idea of a "night out" is going to a brewery with a couple of friends and having a few beers. Shes definitely more mature and content with staying in and watching movies.

Myself, I am a very social person and love to go out to bars and take shots and let loose and "make memories", I also love having tons of friends over to pre-game before we head out on the town. My ideal girlfriend is more high maintenance/popular and "out of my league" but also has a very caring personality. Someone who takes the time to put herself together and really care how she presents herself to other people but also wants to settle down one day and have a family.

I find myself to be an attractive man (even though the holidays put on a few pounds), and I've always been able to date/talk to very attractive women. My issue is that when I look at my girlfriend, I'm attracted to her but I also feel like I could do better. This wouldn't be an issue with ending the relationship, but my problem is that she is so good to me and definitely "future wife" material. She cares about me so much and I definitely notice it, but there are times where we just have conflicting view points and personalities that we just clash and get in fights. Our communication early on wasn't very good, but now it is amazing and we can openly talk about anything that bothers us.

I've been having feelings of doubts being with her and am wondering if after finally being in a relationship after 6 years of desperately searching for one, if I TRULY want to be in one. This girl is absolutely incredible, but I still feel like I'm young enough that I shouldn't feel "locked down" to one person. I still have that longing to be "selfish" and do my own thing, but I also love having that support system with her.

I truly can't explain what I'm feeling, but I found this article that sums it up perfectly.

Has anybody else given up an amazing relationship, just because they want to be single again?

TL;DR: I'm in an amazing relationship with a girl I'm attracted to, but I also miss the single freedom to do whatever I want and ability to be with other women.
submitted by Redditdatingadvice to relationship_advice [link] [comments]


2017.09.07 17:03 Killerjdog eNotAlone Sucks - Never join this online dating advice forum

Its a horrible website, not because of the community, but because of the admins and moderators. I created a post on this website asking how to ask a girl out because I was interested in a girl and I genuinely had no idea how to ask her out. When I created this post I made sure that it was in the "dating" sub-forum specifically not to get in trouble. The thread went good and the community gave supportive help. The problem however is the next day I logged on I found out that I was "Permanently Banned for Life" because of being a "troll"? I'm pissed about this because I was seriously asking for advice on this "dating advice" forum, and when I do I get banned. I checked out the rules that this website has and as far as I'm aware I didn't break any. So then why was a banned for making a single post, an innocent post at that. So I decided to contact the admins of the site and ask why I was banned. But their response was to scoff and laugh at me, only to say that I deserved it and that they wouldn't unban me. And on top of that, the next thing I know my IP was blocked by them because I tried making contact with the admin. So honestly I am super pissed about this site, I don't see how it has an active community if the moderators on her keep banning people for no reason.
submitted by Killerjdog to complaints [link] [comments]


2016.08.19 02:20 Luminoru Mutual friend told me Ex ended her psuedo-relationship with the "friend"

A mutual friend accidentally let me know that my ex 'broke' up with her new crush. She didn't realise that I hadn't spoken to my ex in over 6 weeks and that I didn't know my ex had even contemplated giving a dude a chance in the first place (one month ago), never mind the fact that they had been in a pseudo-crush relationship for the last few weeks. She eventually got fed up with the relationship because he got jealous of her spending time with family.
Hearing the news, I'm just feel really disappointed in how she handled the ending of our relationship given all our history. She told me that she couldn't handle a relationship at the moment because her life was a mess. When I raised concerns about this dude prior to our break-up, she kept on telling me how he's just a friend, and that I wouldn't feel this way if it was a girl. (https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=517065)
The girl I knew for 6 year is someone who values consideration, kindness and integrity. Yet, I can't even recognise her choices here at the moment.
I don't even understand why she even bothered giving this dude a chance when everyone around her has told her what a jerk/immature individual he was. The only logical explanation I can come up with is that he was an exciting friend and that maybe she felt she could bring out a 'good' side within him, given how he treated everyone else besides her horribly. It was a doomed relationship from the start.
The fact that she's even bothered to entertain this relationship in the first place would suggest two outcomes.
a) She had emotionally detached a long long time ago. (In which case, why did I have to be the one to initiate the breakup?) b) She's mostly filling an empty space where I used to be. (Seems unlikely...)
I don't know, I'm just surprised to see how soon she even bothered contemplating dating again, it just makes me think she should have broken up with me ages ago and saved me all this drama if that was the case. I've given myself 6 months to a year to get over the relationship, so I'm just surprised to hear that she's managed to move on so quickly after 1 month.
Ultimately I just feel really disappointed. I'm experiencing cognitive dissonance with what I know about this person. I don't recognise her actions as being true to herself, yet I can't help but wonder whether it might just be the case that I just never knew her despite these 6 years...
Someone explain to me what the hell happened please? Just trying to process what is going on for my own sake. I'll still continue with NC.
I suppose the only one upside to hearing all this news is that solidifies my thoughts that the relationship is over for good (i.e. I should pack away mementos).
submitted by Luminoru to ExNoContact [link] [comments]


2016.03.23 02:24 DerPhilosoph What was read, cannot be unread....

So I have been reviewing several recent threads about the difficulties of finding a long-term partner (LTR) these days. They all offer some very good explanations about why it is so tough, but I'd like to mention and summarize some other aspects. Some of what i read (and mention below) is from questionable websites and forums, but I mainly read that stuff in the past to gain a different perspective. Anyone who has an open mind can appreciate wanting to investigate all sides to an issue. A person doesn't have to believe in any of what they read that may be controversial. Even so, they may still be able to assess its validity or not and form their own ideas about it. I am certainly not the first to formulate nor state the things below.
1) The internet has made it much easier for people to research marriage, divorce, and dating data. Furthermore, there are many other mainstream forums (enotalone for example) that have members asking the very same questions about the difficulties of dating that people in the FA subs do.
2) These days, both genders have a lot to lose if a marriage goes south - hence more people may be extra careful and/or decide LTRs aren't worth pursuing.
3) Many people may not believe that soul mates exist. This is one of the key things that I have done a lot of reading about. The general consensus concerning what I've read is that the 'soulmates' concept is a Disney fabrication or a social construct.
4) Emerging scientific research is indicating that love between two people is simply chemical substances in the brain - i.e. love is generating and acting on animal desires; nothing more. People don't seem to really love each other for "who they are" like we've been told all of our lives growing up.
Feel free to add to this list of possible reasons why people may be wary about LTRs and marriage these days. It is by no means exhaustive and I personally will not indicate which points I believe in or not.
submitted by DerPhilosoph to ForeverAlone [link] [comments]


2012.04.25 22:59 thehardestthing NO CONTACT: Why you shouldn't be friends/in contact with your ex - Dramallama

I am an absolute advocate of No Contact. Whether you're initially doing it to make your ex miss you, to punish your ex, to try to get your ex back, it doesn't matter. All roads lead to the same destination: healing. In the end, you may get your ex back, you may not. But you get YOU BACK.
Posting Dramallama's awesome thread on here for redditors to refer to when they're not sure to go No Contact after a break up or are seriously thinking of breaking No Contact. It's helped me, I hope it helps you.
Reasons why you shouldn't be friends/in contact with your ex or unrequited love.
1) It's another way to avoid dealing with the pain of a break-up or loss but you will have to deal with it sooner or later, like when your ex starts dating someone else... and it will happen
2) It shows your ex that you don't have the confidence to walk away from someone that has ALREADY told you that they don't see a future with you
3) It relieves your ex of their guilt
4) It shows your ex that you are willing to settle for less than what you want. You lose your self-respect; they lose respect for you
5) It shows your ex that you are not strong or confident enough to stand on your own two feet
6) It will keep the pain fresh and give you false hope
7) Instead of living your life and healing, you will spend that time analysing your ex's behaviour. "does this mean he/she wants to get back together?" or you will spend your time trying to manipulate your own behaviour so that they will want you back (it's not fun).
8) You will have to see how much fun they are having when they are free and single without you tying them down
9) You will have to repress your true feelings because you are the one that accepted this arrangement, trying to let your ex believe that you are cool with it
10) Your ex can sleep with you/lead you on/tease you/hang out together, but if you get "the wrong impression" your ex can say, "but babe, we're just friends, remember? You agreed to that and I don't want to be tied down right now." Ouch.
11) It will stop YOU from meeting and seeing (with your heart) people that WILL want to be with you. from meeting someone that will not be happy with just being friends. Someone that is so crazy about YOU, that friends simply won't do.
12) You will probably see or hear about your ex flirting with someone else, or worse, sleeping with them. Like a knife to your heart. Gah!
13) It keeps you in a perpetual state of limbo where you are uncertain about what your future holds (in a bad way)
14) It does nothing to help your self esteem and dignity (which is low after a break up anyway) because you are asking yourself, "why doesn't my ex want to be with me? what is so wrong with me that I'm right here waiting for them and they still turn me down?"
15) It doesn't give you time to get perspective or clarity or to learn anything from the relationship. You can only look at something objectively when enough time has passed. You cannot do that if you are in the middle of the hurricane.
16) It lets your ex use YOU as their emotional tampon (where you have to soak up all of their problems), where you are there for them when THEY need you. But with them it's a different story when it comes to YOUR needs. Also, you may be reluctant to express your needs because you want to be "cool" and not put any "pressure" on your ex, so they don't think you are asking too much of them. In the end it just drives you crazy because you can't act how you want to act. You become frustrated version of yourself which drives you to be even more clingy.
17) If there's a true basis for friendship, it will still be there in six months, a year, or however long you need to heal and move on. There's no rush.
18) If your ex is already in a relationship/dating and you keep in touch with them it will give them an ego boost and it will make their new relationship MORE successful than if you weren't around. Why? Because you are a good distraction for what might be going wrong in their new relationship. If their new relationship is only half as fulfilling, they will go to YOU to fill in the gaps, then when they cuddle up to their new partner at night, the ex is fulfilled. But if you go away and make yourself scarce, then your ex must make a choice as to whether his new relationship is fulfilling in all the ways as they would like.
18) It won't give your ex a chance to miss you if you stay in contact, any contact. People only appreciate something when it's gone or when they don't have access to it. Think about someone or something that is in your face everyday - a friend/acquaintance who contacts you a bit TOO much, your favourite food that is always in the fridge, a shirt that you like to wear that is hanging in your wardrobe. You take for granted something when it is available.
But when you can't have it, you want it MORE. You feel a bit more lonely now that your friend that hasn't been contacting you at all and you realise just how fun they were to have around. Your favourite food has gone out of production and so you start craving some to eat because it's not available to buy anymore. Your favourite shirt has gone missing so you turn the house upside down looking for it because you realise just how great it looks on you.
I'm not necessarily saying that it will make your ex come back, but it IS basic psychology to appreciate something that is not available anymore, and that goes for your dumper ex appreciating the great things about you. It also lets the negative reasons why they broke up with you to fade away, and for the good feelings to return. Even if your ex is begging you to stay friends, this point STILL applies!
19) They can't miss you if you are hanging around like a bad smell. If you take them at their word and leave and disappear into the fog, it WILL make your ex re-think their decision and whether it was the right choice to leave you, even if they only end up considering it for a split second. Doesn't mean that the decision will be reversed in your favour, but they will ask themselves, "did I do the right thing?"
Original thread here with more reasons: http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=381011
submitted by thehardestthing to BreakUps [link] [comments]


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