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“Oh, God, another Asian girl/white boy couple,” I groan, dropping my fiancé’s hand. He hates it when I do this. So do I, really. I know it’s unkind and self-loathing, but every time I see another couple of our racial makeup, a little part of me sinks. We live in San Francisco, so this dip ... Dating as An Asian Woman: The Things No One Talks About . Dating. April 21, 2018. Copy By: Lily Choi; I was talking to another Asian friend about dating — bad dates, embarrassing dates, funny dates — when we inevitably got to the topic of dating as women of color. The Asian fetish. Asiaphilia. Yellow fever. You've probably heard of these terms before — maybe you can even think of that one Caucasian friend of yours that only ever dates Asian women. A ... Join other Asian women in finding love with a Black man today. The experience you'll gain with AfroRomance is like no other. We specialise specifically in interracial romances, setting us apart from other online dating forums and enabling our members to find love with someone that meets their specific taste. Quoted for truth. Just because someone has a racial-based attraction when dating doesnt mean that he/she thinks negatively of other races. You like what you like. Still, it does in some cases, though. I, personally, am a sucker for Asian girls, but not because i think Black, White, or any other race of women are inferior. Biggest asian dating site quora a matter of fact, this is one of the best places you can chat and meet Brussel girls who normally frequent here in scores to have a bite biggest asian dating site quora drinks from the classic restaurants nearby. Biggest asian dating site quora - I can always feel her with me, she said. She humbles me. I used to think Asian men had no interest in dating non Asian women because I had never seen a AMWF couple in real life and only ever saw Asian men with Asian woman. This. 100%. I passed on a lot of amazing guys I would have loved to ask out, because I figured they simply weren't attracted to white women. This is a form of jealousy. You are jealous of their relationship and the desire of one race for another. Its somewhat natural to have an aversion to another culture and its people when you don’t know someone from that ethnicity very well. * Did y... I’ve answered this question about 3 times on Quora already. Here we go! For non-whites living in America a lot of them have an internal love-hate relationship with white people. Secretly, everybody wants the same status and privileges as white peo... MGTOW - Men Going Their Own Way - is a statement of self-ownership, where the modern man preserves and protects his own sovereignty above all else. It is the manifestation of one word: No. Ejecting silly preconceptions and cultural definitions of what a man is. Looking to no one else for social cues. Refusing to bow, serve and kneel for the opportunity to be treated like a disposable utility.

Reasons why it can be amazing to be in a same sex relationship?

2020.09.09 23:53 highvaluefemale2020 Reasons why it can be amazing to be in a same sex relationship?

Of course there are individual differences and not all women will be like below and with any relationships there can be misunderstandings/cheating etc but these are the amazing things that can be experienced and just want to put it out there for anyone struggling or facing homophobia, heterosexism or compulsive heterosexuality. it does get better and there is light at the end of the tunnel. Personally i needed these reasons as a closeted south asian origin girl where compulsive heterosexuality is really strict. But i know love women and only want to be with them. I want to wake up in the arms of the softness of a woman, feeling her soft lips, breasts and body against me. Ive had that before and its worth the wait. So here is this list
  1. Being able to solve conflicts often occurs with power struggle and with a sense of humour. Something heterosexual couples can learn. Same sex couples use less fear based, less domination, controlling and hostile tactics. Better at resolving issues “When it comes to emotions, we think these couples may operate with very different principles than straight couples. Straight couples may have a lot to learn from gay and lesbian relationships, "The difference on these ‘control’ related emotions suggests that fairness and power-sharing between the partners is more important and more common in gay and lesbian relationships than in straight ones,” Gottman explained. https://www.gottman.com/about/research/same-sex-couples/
  2. More equal household especially with kids - in terms of less controlling, manipulative, possessive behaviour - more equality in household chores/childcare/finances - more use of orgasms to de-escalate conflict - decision making is more equal The article states " Well, what we found consistently in our research is that same-sex couples tend to be much more egalitarian in their relationships. They share decision-making more equally, finances more equally, housework more equally, childcare more equally. Basically every dimension we looked at, same-sex couples are dramatically more equal in the way they function together as a couple compared to heterosexual couples. "
  3. More orgasms- as women realise how each other's bodies work and that clitoral/vaginal stimulation leads to more orgasms, women can have multiple orgasms and that in general lesbian sex doesn't need to follow a script it can be creative. Sexual encounters are usually of greater duration, there is more foreplay then heterosexual encounters. https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/the-third-wave/201602/why-do-lesbians-have-more-orgasms-straight-women
  4. More flexibility in terms of roles - thinking outside gender roles and towards what one partner is better at/fairer distribution of tasks. 74% take on shared responsibility of kids vs 38% in opposite sex relationships https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/wonk/wp/2015/05/07/study-men-are-lazy-to-their-core/?utm_term=.e612df93fd29 https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/wonk/wp/2015/06/04/what-gay-couples-get-about-relationships-that-straight-couples-often-dont/?utm_term=.1de5ed23b158
  5. Female love is in general more nurturing, more sensitive, compassionate, generous, sweet and can be unconditional. More likely to be there for you when sick, to encourage you when you are down and to motivate you when things aren't going as well. Ive heard many dating coaches mention how love that females give is different to male. Ive personally found this in my relationships with women compared to superficial relationships i had with guys. It could also be because im pretty gay.
  6. Flexibility to make your own rules, rituals with your partner then need to follow traditions which could be toxic.
  7. Females process emotions differently and may be more emotionally available then men, More likely to take on emotional labor. https://www.healthline.com/health-news/men-and-women-process-emotions-differently-100115#1
  8. The struggle for lgbt rights unites us. If homophobic friends and family are lost in the process then isn't it better to lose those toxic relationships, find an accepting family of choice and have a healthier support system around you. Let those toxic relationships go if you are present and positive in your self identity you will attract healthier relationships. https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/high-octane-women/201108/the-hidden-health-hazards-toxic-relationships
  9. celebrity status ( i dont know if this one is as much of a benefit). http://www.lesbiannews.com/how-different-straight-and-lesbian-relationships/
  10. Same sex relationships are healthier and better at communication , better able to bond over gender specific issues. https://www.yourtango.com/2016294172/why-same-sex-gay-lesbian-LGBTQ-relationships-better-than-heterosexual-couples
  11. Understand each other on an emotional level - greater mutual understanding
  12. You can learn to love and appreciate the parts of yourself by loving the same things in your partner.
  1. Less expectations and pressure
21. Expectations and conformity to heteronormativity in heterosexual relationships
  1. Soft skin and lips 28. Breasts (better than man boobs anyway) 29. checking out other girls together 30. No unexpected surprises or pregnancies. When you want a child it's a chosen and joint decision. 31. Women make more active attempts to remember dates like bdays 32. Males in general but not all have a higher rate of intimate partner violence, domestic violence etc
Of course this can happen in a same sex relationship but i think its rarer. 33. Women appreciate you for who you are above just looks and they see your "flaws" as perfect. Like I have small breasts and guys have pointed that out . All the girls I've been with who have bigger breasts have said my breasts are perfect and I don't need to change anything about me.
  1. Women love to give cunnilingus more and don't see oral sex as a competitive thing in terms of who does it more.
Please feel free to add more if you have any others. Maybe there are guys who might have all the above but it's more common and frequent in females and female relationships.
It's not always easy being in a same sex relationship but that's not because of the relationship but because of society and straight presenting privilege. That's something we can work around. We can choose who we consider negative and toxic influences to exclude from.our life and build a positive and supportive network of chosen bi/febfem/gay/straight allies family. I have made my chosen family online and offline which is important since I'm from south Asian background and the patriarchy/pressures to settle in a heterosexual relationship are massive
https://thefrisky.com/6-major-differences-between-gay-and-straight-dating-according-to-a-bisexual-woman/
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submitted by HaulA28Augl to u/HaulA28Augl [link] [comments]


2020.08.22 21:33 inkmonstaaaamon All happened so fast (26M)

Long time lurker of reddit. First post ever and never ever thought I would be in the club of this sub.
Feel like I need a place to share my story that others can relate to. Here’s how it all went down. Thanks for reading in advance. Hopefully won’t bore you.
Sunday: 8/16/20
Last Sunday, I was up with some friends hanging out at the camp grounds in beautiful big bear Ca. All was going really well until I was packing away my gear. I had a long board with me so I stepped on the tail and the board came right up and tagged the boys. No biggie I though just that little stomach drop and a quick breather, and I was good to go. I didn’t think anything of it, since it wasn’t a hard blow and I’ve hit my go-nads way harder before with out any issues. On the way down the mountain my right testi was kinda feeling some soreness. Thought wow must have hit it harder than expected. Got home from my drive, completely forgot about the situation and the soreness ass it wasn’t irritating anymore.
Monday: 8/17/20
Come Monday morning, I get up like normal start daily routine for work. Hop in the shower and for some reason I decided I was going to do a in depth ball check, maybe since I hit it and was sore idk I just decided to check it. Upon checking it out I did come across a lump on my right testicle. I immediately knew this was not a good sign. I quickly compared the two testicles and decided yes right one is definitely out of the norm. So I hop out of the shower and hit google. Searched “bruised balls” “what can happens if hit nuts to hard” then the searches lead me to “lump on testicle” bump on testicle” this is where the reading got concerning. Webmd, mens health, quora, all pointed to either the following Water pocket in sac, blood build up, sac of worms, and at the top of each website was testicular cancer. The feeling that rushed through my body I couldn’t explain, I thought no way I’m decently healthy, I do a ton of activities, I eat pretty good. I’m thinking no this can’t be it. So I emailed work saying I wasn’t going to be able to come in. I sat for another hour investigating my testi and googling. I was thinking maybe to brush it off and check back in a couple days. Debating I finally decided to call my older brother. Gave him the run down of everything. He was kinda like do you think it’s that serious. Does it hurt to the touch, I explained no, but feels like a hard mass and hurts if I squeeze it kinda hard. He hoped on google to and we both finally came to the conclusion I should go to urgent care and just get a professional opinion. It’s kinda of embarrassing but I thought what the hell its my health.
I head to the local Urgent care. I arrive, they go through all this COVID stuff. The girl at the front desk was such an Asian super sweetheart and really cute. Her and the other girl asked what brings you in. I hesitated and mumbled uhhh I want to check on my nuts, uh I mean testicle, yeah I’m sorry this is different and embarrassing, they both chuckled and said not it’s a part of health. Your okay just sit down sign these papers, and doc will call you back shortly. I sit there patiently then doc calls me back. Do the normal temp checks, weight, height check COVID questions and basic heath back ground questions. Then I sit in my room. Doc comes in says what’s going on darling. She reads you hit your testicle and your right one hurts. I said yup and I inspected it this morning and came across something I don’t think is normal but maybe you can tell me better. So she says cause of gender differences I’m going to get another personal. I said cool no, she brings in another chick! Haha whatever I didn’t care but thought was funny. So doc tells me to stand up and whip everything out. I’m humerus no matter good, bad, ugly or serious. So I’m telling jokes as my boys are being fondled. I ask the girl behind me scale 1-10 how hairy is my ass. The tone in he room was great until the doc said, oh yeah son, I’m going to send you ER right now. The tone now went to chill to wtf doc. She said I don’t like this at all. I can’t tell you what it is but this could be life threatening. I swallowed deeply and was like okay what now. She dialed the ER and said I’m sending over a patient ASAP. The urgent care refunded my co pay and said go now! Kinda freak out now I walk to my car. Call my bro and said hey they are wanting me to go to the ER. We call my mom and dad as well and break the odd and random news. My moms a nurse of 20 years so she starts running through a list of questions. She’s been on the cardiac floor her entire career so she didn’t have much knowledge of this. They all say just head down and hopefully everything is okay and it’s not serious. I head down the hospital, park, go through more covid screening stuff, and I go to check in. All of a sudden, a nurse is oh yes so and so called, come in here now. I get escorted to the ER. Skip covid testing and said you need to go for an ultra sound right away. Another doc comes in now with the ER doc. They said change into a gown and we need to inspect your testicles ASAP. I was like woww there can anyone tell why everything is so urgent all of a sudden and they said we are trying to figure it out just be calm. They start fondling the sack and asking me questions. They doc states okay this is not from hitting your nuts and this has been something that’s been there has been growing and you actually hitting your nuts was a blessing in disguise because you found this. Now I’m kinda freaking out. What is going on. There’s been something growing in my sac wtf! So they wrap up say the ultra sound techs will be in shortly. Half hour or so later tech wheels me into the ultrasound room. He asks have you ever done one, I said yeah most definitely just none of my testicles. He chuckled and said yea it’s a little different but it’s just like any other body part and it’s for health so don’t be to uncomfortable. I wasn’t until he left and the hot ass nurse came in. I right away was like wow you are going to ultra sound my boys. She said yes, she was like Newport Beach mom status hot. So anyway I lighten up the mood. She says same thing, have you done an ultra sound before, I said yeah but not of the go-nada. She was like you’ll be fine. She grabs that wad of gel and applies to my nuts. Oh boy wow that feels good I said. She laughed and said just wait until the device starts massaging. It was a good time. I asked if any has ever popped one you know. And she said not to often but every once in a while you get a someone who can’t help it. We laugh and that was the most calming part of this adventure. She finished up gave me a high five and said you have a really optimistic attitude you’ll be fine not matter what life throws at you. Dude comes back in wheels me to my room and the waiting games starts. I call on the family to fill them in. I call my boss who moves a million miles per minute and was like just do your thing let me know if everything is all right. Apologized for calling out so last minute. He said np. So after and hour or so, the ER doc comes in. Closes the door and things got serious. He said alrighty son. Taking a look at these ultrasounds there’s seems to be a 2.6 cm mass in your right testicle. This in my years of experience is not good at all. I ask what it could be, he states in my years of experience it looks like a tumor, or cyst. Wether is cancerous is the most concerning part but in order to find that out we will have to remove your testicle. Right away I said oh okay so you take it out and put it back in??!?!? How does that work doc. He said unfortunately no son, it comes out and stays out. Like I said I’m super optimistic and bad news is just news to me, my thing in life is God won’t put you anything you can’t endure it’ll be rough, hard and tough but you’ll always pull through. So I sighed and said alrighty it is what it is doc. What’s the next step. He was astonished on how I was taking it and kept asking you sure your okay. I’m said I’m good let’s get to the point and let’s get-things moving. He said alright I’m putting you on a urgent list to go see a urologist. Please head to there office now and get an appointment. I change. Pack my things up, head to my car and call the family to break the news. Everyone is in denial. Mom bro and dad are like No no that can’t be right. You need to get an second opinion. ER doctors aren’t always right, you need to see a specialist. I told them I was on my way to make an appointment. I head over make my appointment for the next day at 3pm.
Tuesday: 8/18/20
Mom takes the day off. Whole day is kinda of ehhh. Letting work know what’s going on. They are like your fine get back to work not knowing the severity. Moms saying everything will be alright, no ones knows yet it could be nothing. Dad is in complete denial, ultrasounds are never right, they never saw my hernia. Blah blah blah. I’m just like I want things to be normal I’ve been completely blind sided. I have a company phone and it’s blowing up with clients and work. I’m just a small ball of mess. I sneak outside and hit a bowl to ease my mind. Finally 2:30’ rolls around. I head over to hospital, not to far away. No ones allowed up so it’s just me at the urologist office. Do all my paperwork and wait patiently for my appointment. I’m looking around and it’s all very old people, grumpy some are complaining I need help now! I’m sitting there like shit I’m so young compared to all these people. Should I even be here. Boom my names gets called. I head up, give some urine samples and sit down in my room. Get asked basic questions and she says Dr. Beck will be with you shortly. I said thanks sounds good. I’m reading all the papers and posters on the wall about testicles and what not, then Dr. Beck rolls right in eyes glued to the computer. Looks at me doesn’t even introduce him self and says have you seen these ultrasounds? Uhhh well nice to meet to you too doc. He immediately apologized and said hi, but kid we have a big problem, look here and he starts going into depth about everything. He is just dumping info upon info on me. It’s almost overwhelming but I’m keeping up and being completely understanding. I like how he is directly to the point and states what needs to be done. So he explained in a case like this it’s normal practice to do surgery and take the right testicle out, then it goes in for pathology and we go from there. But first I’m going to need you to get a ton of blood work. CT scans and MRI for tumor markings and all this crazy ness. I said alrighty let’s get the ball rolling lol. It was like clock work. Went to front desk, there was some big issues because I never had been and the doc didn’t want me to get covid tested. He stated we have bigger problems and he needs to be put on surgery list for Friday morning! I said what! That’s 2 days. So right away they had me fill out paper work. Then gave me a thing that says authority slip covid testing. I got to the car and confirmed with my mom that indeed the testicle is coming out and I need to do blood work tomorrow and what not. She’s freaked out. I’m trying to keep her calm. I said the doc said it’ll be okay, I can still live a normal life. If all looks good and the lump is non cancerous I can still produce sperm and what not. But if it’s not and it is cancerous they need to trace down the pathology and see if I need radiation therapy or chemo. We head home and break the news to the fam.
Wednesday 8/19/20
Wake up super early 5am. Head to local quest. Getting 7 vials taking. I get home and literally pass out until like 5pm. Wake up and just cruised around the house. Still kinda in shock of what’s happening. Start doing some chores and cleaning my room. I have OCD so rooms always clean anyway so start deep cleaning. I start calling and txting my close friends. They are all just like noooo! Wtf! Dude we were just all hanging out like normal, your normal how can this be!!! My other buddy was like bro did camping just save your life! If you didn’t hit your sac you wouldn’t be here right now. I said I guess so truly is a blessing in disguise. Anyway day goes on and hit the sac early.
Thursday 8/20/20
I wake up, head to the imaging center. I sign in go through all the paperwork. Get called up and they say okay you have back to back chest, abdominal and pelvis CT scans followed by a full body MRI. Your gong to have a bunch of contrast in you. And what not. I said yeah, ain’t my first rodeo, been in snowboarding accidents and crashed racing cars. So did all that. CT scans were quick. MRI was like an hour plus. I got out peed a river. Changed and started to head out. The girl at the front desk randomly said you are one very lucky kid. I said how so, they said technically you shouldn’t be here and because of covid you technically should’ve waited 3 weeks to do imaging, because that’s how booked up we are. But your paperwork came over with 911 urgency and your doctor has been calling and calling to make sure we have Imaging over ASAP. We don’t know what’s going on but your lucky and everything will be okay. I deeply expressed my gratitude and thankfulness to them and the supervisor. So I head home and just try to relax. Friends and family start coming over that evening and night. All the positive vibes and blessings from everyone was definite plus. Couldn’t have felt more happier and comfortable, it was definitely at embarrassing situation but it is what it is and that’s a part of life.
Friday 8/21/20
Had to wake up at 4am to check in at the surgical center at 5am. Woke up groggy. Showered took a super tiny sip of water. And hit the road with my mom. She was comforting and saying just be glad whatever it may be is coming out. She drops me off cause no one is allowed inside due to covid. Sign more paperwork and I’m off to checking in. I couldn’t pronounce the appropriate terminology for the surgery so I kept telling the nurses yeah they’re chopping off my right nut! I get all check in. I head to the back. I go to the bathroom toss my balls in my hands for the last time and head Into the room to change into my gown. I’ve had surgeries in the past so all what’s happening wasn’t a shock or anything l, what was a shock was they are taking out a testicle. I did watch as many videos as I could find on the internet. When the doc came in to see how I was doing. I said yoo so I watched some videos on the surgery and they where all so rough! Can you be gentle down there. He laughed and said you’ll be knocked out kiddo, I laughed and said that not the point! Those are my boys down there and you taking one out! Ahh good time. The anesthesiologist then came by and said I’ll be doing the general anesthetic. I said cool. She said have you ever been put down before. I said yes but both times I have woken up early. She’s no problem I’ll make you a good cocktail. And damn did she. I get wheeled into the surgery room. Did some last minute joking around. The anesthesia was administered, hurt like hell and I was out!
Hour or so later. I’m waking up a new room and nurses and docs hustling around. I look at the time and it’s 8:09. So dazed and confused I call for one of the nurses and ask for the doc. She said he’s not here and that he sat around for an hour to talk to you, but you were absolutely knocked out. I was like what wait!!! Is my nut out already and sure enough I lifted up the blankets saw my incision and my empty right sac. I stared laughing for whatever reason and said hey looks it’s gone everyone! I asked where it was, I wanted to see it! Then literally 2 seconds later pain started to kick in!!! They dopped me up well. They got me changed and rolled me out to my momma. They went over all the patient aftercare. It’s a plus my moms a nurse so that was a a pleasant feeling. Arrived home by 9am, and hit the bed! Slept for most of the day. Woke up around 6 or 7pm. Aunts and uncles and friends were already there to greet me. Soup was freshly made, pain killers ready to be taken. All was just so weird, still feeling affects of everything.
Saturday 8/22/20
Here I am now making my first post ever! Hopefully I just didn’t rant for no reason. But anyhow, all is going well. Definitely still blind sided by what has happened this week. I’m still praying the bloodwork, CT, MRI scans and pathology results all come back with better news and not worse. So that’s still on the table. It’s definitely weird seeing one testicle down there. Pain isn’t to crazy anymore. Definitely trying to rest up and not thing about work and just focus on recovering and health overall.
Would definitely love to know about other people’s stories and how it has affected them for the good and bad. Was the tumor cancerous, what else has happened since? Has this put any strain on dating life? I’m single, haven’t been married or anything and quite frankly I was just coming to the point where I have been thinking about looking for a serious life long wife, will this put a strain on anything? Any complications done there since the surgery? How long after the surgery has any tested the to see of the gun still shoots lol? Any advice for continuing a normal life. Overall I’m confident and taking all what has happened and moving on the best I can, staying very optimistic and will battle anything that’s thrown my way.
Thanks all! And take care everyone.
submitted by inkmonstaaaamon to testicularcancer [link] [comments]


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submitted by porn_account0001 to u/porn_account0001 [link] [comments]


2020.08.19 00:06 magicalbird Asian Male Dating in SF vs NYC

Working on yourself by getting fit, learning social skills, being stylish, and building your career are the most important variables.
That being said, demographics still matter. Throughout the years of my time on the Asian subreddits it's noticeable that the majority of success stories come from NYC and many woe is me stories come from the SF Bay Area region. While you need to work on yourself a lot of it will come down to your priorities.
Here is an example from an anonymous user from Quora.
So, here are the reasons why I feel that the dating scene for Asian men is worse in SF than the NYC:
I still live in and love SF Bay Area, much more than any city in the World, due to the weather and entrepreneurial (tech) culture! And I'm willing to tolerate its drawbacks because of that. But if your main criteria to choosing the city is the dating scene, then definitely go with NYC."
https://www.quora.com/For-an-Asian-male-is-it-easier-to-date-in-San-Francisco-or-NYC-with-all-other-factors-the-same
I also want to add one that the transportation system in NYC also encourages nightlife with the NY subway system whereas the bay area BART trains stop running around 1am. Also the bay area has a ruthless level of traffic so most people living in SF only want to date in SF and maybe Oakland instead of branching out into the suburbs. Same for San Jose or Man Jose as some call it.
Figure out what you want to prioritize and accept where you live or move.
submitted by magicalbird to aznidentity [link] [comments]


2020.08.18 18:09 magicalbird Asian Male Dating in SF vs NYC

Working on yourself by getting fit, learning social skills, being stylish, and building your career are the most important variables.
That being said, demographics still matter. Throughout the years of my time in am it's noticeable that the majority of success stories come from NYC and many woe is me stories come from SF. While you need to work on yourself a lot of it will eventually come down to your priorities.
Here is an example from an anonymous user from Quora.
"Alright, I'm 30, Korean, tall, athletic, successful. I've lived in SF for the last 13 years and my dating life was ok. I've had a few relationships, friends with benefits and many one night stands. 95% of the women I've dated were Caucasian. That being said, I needed to work really hard (and I still do) to get dates.
I've been to NYC 6 times, mostly for work; staying anywhere from 3 days to up to a month. I've had dates every time I've visited. And just found it to be MUCH easier to hook-up and get physical. And after traveling for quite a bit to other countries (and within the US), I'm convinced that SF is one of the worst cities in the World for straight men!
So, here are the reasons why I feel that the dating scene for Asian men is worse in SF than the NYC:
I still live in and love SF Bay Area, much more than any city in the World, due to the weather and entrepreneurial (tech) culture! And I'm willing to tolerate its drawbacks because of that. But if your main criteria to choosing the city is the dating scene, then definitely go with NYC."
https://www.quora.com/For-an-Asian-male-is-it-easier-to-date-in-San-Francisco-or-NYC-with-all-other-factors-the-same
Figure out what you want to prioritize and accept where you live or move.
submitted by magicalbird to AsianMasculinity [link] [comments]


2020.08.02 19:32 ThroawayDuckling123 I (27M) am trying to hook-up/fwb with a girl (24F) that I met recently. I feel confused.

Hi,
I live in UK and recently met this girl (24 F, Chinese student) on TanTan (which is a Chinese version of Tinder). Soon after talking to her, we added each other on WeChat and Instagram. I paint as a hobby and she compliments my skills. The issue is that she rarely replies on Instagram and WeChat. Still I managed to set up a hangout with her. She seemed happy to see me and we talked alot, I did show my intentions my touching her hands and hair to compliment her hair and how soft her skin is. I asked her open-ended questions to which she talked alot on (which is a good sign I feel, so that she feels i'm interested in her). She also said that she takes so slow to reply as she is working on her dissertation and rarely checks her phone. We chatted about own previous relationships and I asked her about her first kiss etc. She was smiling and laughing with me.
I wasn't able to kiss her during the meet-up, because: - The park was crowded,. - It didnt feel like natural time to kiss. - The meet-up from her side still felt platonic.
All this happened on Friday. Today (Sunday), I texted her this:
Me: Hi , I'll be direct. You are one of the coolest girls I've met in , and we should get together this week and either get a drink or rob a bank. Whatever you're in the mood for.
Her: Rob a bank sounds cool. I am in!
Me: Absolutely. Let's have drinks first and plan it!
Her: nono. Lets straight to point. rob it!
Me: The cops will catch us easily :).
Her: I am fast runner
Me: Though if police catch you. you'll be able to stay in UK longer.
Her: staying her does not intrigue me. Sounds lame ##.
Me: ... how fast can you run?
Her: gold medal of olympic.
Me: Oh come-on really? Gold medal? Btw, wanna see something funny?
Her:
................ I feel I didn't make my intentions clear in our meet-up at the park. She is leaving the UK in a month, is fun to hangout with and I just want a hook-up or FWB thing until she leaves. I searched Quora for suggestions, but got conflicting results.
Should I directly ask her like this, some examples: 1. "Hi, I'll be completely honest, I am just looking for a hook-up or nothing serious, would you be up for that?" 2. "I really enjoyed our meet-up on Friday, would love to meet you at your place on Wednesday"
I feel as she is Asian, she may just reject me completely. I'm middle-eastern, and have been living in UK for 4 years, so my dating game isnt strong (still learning the ropes), but i have been in 2 relationships here in UK, both with Chinese girls.
Suggestions what to do?
submitted by ThroawayDuckling123 to dating_advice [link] [comments]


2020.07.27 13:18 adopt27JJul Birmingham G-ay Speed Da-ting

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2020.07.05 19:57 inkspring Why don't Chinese people hate their authoritarian government as much as we think they should? — Kaiser Kuo explains

I've been PMed by multiple people to repost this after my original SSC post was deleted, so here it is again:
The following was originally written by the talented Kaiser Kuo as an answer to a question posed on Quora, but for the sake of easier readability, shareability, and the mobile users who don't want to create a Quora account, I've decided to repost it in text post form. I've also added the last part of the answer and postscript in the comments because of Reddit's character limit. Apologies in advance if that breaks any rules. Anyway.
Why do many people feel that the Chinese can't possibly be basically okay with their government or society?
I’m going to attempt an answer in three parts.
First, I’ll look at the gap in political culture between China and the liberal western democracies, especially the United States. I’ll argue that there is little appreciation among most WEIRD individuals—that is, Western, Educated people from Industrialized, Rich, and Developed nations—for just how highly contingent political norms they take for granted really are from an historical perspective. I’ll sketch the outlines of the major historical currents that had to converge for these ideas to emerge in the late 18th century. Then, I’ll compare this very exceptional experience with that of China, which only embraced and began to harness those engines of western wealth and power—science, industrialization, state structures capable of total mobilization of manpower and capital—much later. And late to the game, China suffered for over a century the predations of imperial powers, most notably Japan. Hopefully, I’ll show why it was that liberalism never really took hold, why it was that Chinese intellectuals turned instead to authoritarian politics to address the urgent matters of the day, and why authoritarian habits of mind have lingered on.
Next, I’ll argue that a lot of unexamined hubris lies not only behind the belief that all people living under authoritarian political systems should be willing to make monumental sacrifices to create liberal democratic states but also behind the belief that it can work at all, given the decidedly poor record of projects for liberal democratic transformation in recent years, whether American-led or otherwise. It’s important to see what the world of recent years looks like through Beijing’s windows, and to understand the extent to which Beijing’s interpretation of that view is shared by a wide swath of China’s citizenry.
Finally, I’ll look at the role of media in shaping perspectives of China in the western liberal democracies and in other states. A very small number of individuals—reporters for major mainstream media outlets posted to China, plus their editors—wield a tremendous amount of influence over how China is perceived by ordinary Anglophone media consumers. It's important to know something about the optical properties of the lens through which most of us view China.
Part I — The Values Gap: The Historical Contingency of Liberal Western Thought and Institutions
One evening, I was chatting online with a friend here in China, another American expatriate living in another city, about the great disconnect in recent Western understandings of China—the thing that this question and answer seeks to get to the heart of. He suggested that at least for Americans (we’re going to use Americans here, mainly, to stand in for the Anglophone western liberal democracies) the question underlying the disconnect boiled down to this:
“Why don’t you Chinese hate your government as much as we think you ought to?"
The modern Chinese party-state, after all, is a notorious violator of human rights. It cut its own people down in the street in 1989. It prevents with brutal coercion the formation of rival political parties and suppresses dissent through censorship of the Internet and other media. It oppresses minority populations in Tibet and in Xinjiang, depriving them of religious freedoms and the right to national self-determination. It persecutes religious sects like the Falun Gong. It behaves in a bellicose manner with many of its neighbors, like the Philippines, Vietnam, and India. It saber-rattles over disputed islands with its longstanding East Asian adversary, Japan. It presses irredentist claims against Taiwan, which has functioned as an effectively sovereign state since 1949. It has pursued breakneck economic growth without sufficient heed to the devastation of the environment. It has not atoned for the crimes committed during the Cultural Revolution or the Great Leap Forward, when tens of millions died because of absurdly misguided economic policies. It jails rights activists, including a Nobel Peace Prize laureate. I could of course go on.
Why then would any American not ask this question? Seems pretty obvious from the perspective of anyone from a liberal western democracy that this is a political system that needs to go, that has failed its people and failed to live up to basic, universal ideas about what rights a government needs to respect and protect. They’ll have heard the argument that China’s leadership has succeeded in other ways: it has allowed China to prosper economically, lifting hundreds of millions out of poverty, creating a substantial and comfortable middle class with expanded personal (if not political) freedom. And the Chinese Communist Party has managed to ensure a relatively long period of political stability, with orderly leadership transitions absent the political violence that had accompanied nearly all others until Deng Xiaoping’s ascent.
"Yeah, but so what?" asks the American. "Anyone who would trade a little freedom for a little personal safety deserves neither freedom nor safety,” he asserts, quoting Benjamin Franklin. He quotes this as gospel truth, ignoring the irony that many Americans advocated just such a trade in the aftermath of September 11. That aside, why shouldn't he quote it? It’s deeply engrained in his political culture. Political liberty is held up practically above all else in the values pantheon of American political culture.
The American myth of founding sees the Puritan pilgrims, seeking a place where their brand of Protestantism might be practiced freely, crossing the Atlantic in the Mayflower, creating en route a quasi-democratic quasi-constitution, the Mayflower Compact, landing at Plymouth Rock in 1620, and over the next 150 years growing into the colony that would lead its 12 sisters into rebellion for freedom from the "tyranny" of King George III. Americans hold the ideas enshrined in their founding documents very dearly, and can't really be blamed for doing so: they are, after all, some very high-minded and frankly very beautiful ideas.
What he doesn’t quite appreciate is the precariousness of the historical perch on which these ideas—ideas he holds so strongly and believes so ardently to be universal truths—ultimately rest. Americans, like everyone else for that matter, tend not to take much time to understand the historical experiences of other peoples, and can't therefore grasp the utter contingency upon which their own marvelous system rests.
I'm going to grossly oversimplify here, in this grand backward tour of European history, but the political philosophy that gave rise to modern American political ideals, as even a fairly casual student of history should know, emerged during the 18th century in the Enlightenment—an intellectual movement of tremendous consequence but one that would not have been possible save for the groundwork laid by 17th century naturalists who, taken together, gave us an "Age of Reason" (think Newton and all the natural philosophers of the Royal Academy). Their great work could be pursued because already the intellectual climate had changed in crucial ways—chiefly, that the stultifying effects of rigid, dogmatic theology had been pushed aside enough for the growth of scientific inquiry. That itself owes much to the Protestant Reformation, of course, which people tend to date from 1517 but which actually reaches back over a century earlier with John Wycliffe, Jan Hus, arguably Erasmus, and the other pre-Lutheran reformers.
And would the Reformation have been possible without the rediscovery of classical learning that was the animating spirit of the Renaissance? Would the Renaissance have been possible without the late medieval thinkers, such as Abelard, who sought out to subject theology to the rigors of Aristotelian logic and reason? Would all this have been possible, if not for the continuous struggles between Emperor and Pope, between Guelph and Ghibelline factions—partisans for the temporal power of the Vatican and Holy Roman Emperor? The fact is that this series of historical movements, eventually carving out politics that was quite separate from—indeed, explicitly separate from—theocratic control, was only really happening in this small, jagged peninsula on the far western end of the great Eurasian landmass. And in the rest of the world—the whole rest of the world—none of this was happening. Political theology remained the rule with rare, rare exceptions.
What we've now taken as the norm and the correct form for the whole world—liberal, secular, democratic, capitalistic—is truly exceptional, recent, rare, fragile, and quite contingent.
Let’s turn and look for a moment at China, which is arguably much more typical. China is a civilization that didn’t until much later and perhaps still doesn't fit neatly into the modern conception of the nation-state; a massive continental agrarian empire, a civilization with an integrated cosmology, moral philosophy, and political philosophy which together formed the basis of a holistic orthodoxy, deep knowledge of which was required for any man (alas, only men) who wished to climb the only real available ladder of success: the Civil Service Exams.
The China that the West—in this case, chiefly the British—encountered in the late 1700s was really at or just past its peak, ruled by a reasonably competent and conscientious Manchu emperor who history knows as Qianlong, ruling a land empire matching, roughly, the contours of the contemporary People’s Republic, almost entirely self-sufficient but willing to sell its silk, porcelain, and especially its tea to anyone who brought minted silver bullion—two-thirds of the world’s supply of which, by the time of the American Revolution, was already in Chinese coffers.
What followed was a crisis that lasted, with no meaningful interruption, right up to 1949. Foreign invasion, large-scale drug addiction, massive internal civil wars (the Taiping Civil War of 1852-1863 killed some 20 million people), a disastrous anti-foreign uprising (the Boxers) stupidly supported by the Qing court with baleful consequence, and a belated effort at reform that only seems to have hastened dynastic collapse.
The ostensible republic that followed the Qing was built on the flimsiest of foundations. The Republican experiment under the early Kuomintang was short-lived and, in no time, military strongmen took over—first, ex-dynastic generals like Yuan Shikai, then the militarists who scrambled for power after he died in 1916. China disintegrated into what were basically feuding warlord satrapies, waging war in different constellations of factional alliance. Meanwhile, China's impotence was laid bare at Versailles, where the great powers handed to Japan the colonial possessions of the defeated Germany, despite China having entered the Great War on the side of the Allies.
During this time, liberalism appeared as a possible solution, an alternative answer to the question of how to rescue China from its dire plight. Liberalism was the avowed ideology of many of the intellectuals of the period of tremendous ferment known as the May Fourth Period, which takes its name from the student-led protests on that date in 1919, demonstrating against the warlord regime then in power which had failed to protect Chinese interests at Versailles at the end of World War I. (The May Fourth period is also referred to as the New Culture Movement, which stretched from roughly 1915 to 1925). The "New Youth" of this movement advocated all the liberal tenets—democracy, rule of law, universal suffrage, even gender equality. Taking to the streets on May Fourth, they waved banners extolling Mr. Sai (science) and Mr. De (democracy).
But with only very few exceptions they really conceived of liberalism not as an end in itself but rather as a means to the decidedly nationalist ends of wealth and power. They believed that liberalism was part of the formula that had allowed the U.S. and Great Britain to become so mighty. It was embraced in a very instrumental fashion. And yet Chinese advocates of liberalism were guilty, too, of not appreciating that same contingency, that whole precarious historical edifice from which the liberalism of the Enlightenment had emerged. Did they think that it could take root in utterly alien soil? In any case, it most surely did not.
It must be understood that liberalism and nationalism developed in China in lockstep, with one, in a sense, serving as means to the other. That is, liberalism was a means to serve national ends—the wealth and power of the country. And so when means and end came into conflict, as they inevitably did, the end won out. Nationalism trumped liberalism. Unity, sovereignty, and the means to preserve both were ultimately more important even to those who espoused republicanism and the franchise.
China's betrayal at Versailles did not help the cause of liberalism in China. After all, it was the standard bearers of liberalism—the U.K., France, and the United States—that had negotiated secret treaties to give Shandong to the Japanese.
Former liberals gravitated toward two main camps, both overtly Leninist in organization, both unapologetically authoritarian: the Nationalists and the Communists. By the mid-1920s, the overwhelming majority of Chinese intellectuals believed that an authoritarian solution was China's only recourse. Some looked to the Soviet Union, and to Bolshevism. Others looked to Italy, and later Germany, and to Fascism. Liberalism became almost irrelevant to the violent discourse on China's future.
For anyone coming of age in that time, there are few fond memories. It was war, deprivation, foreign invasion, famine, a fragile and short-lived peace after August 1945, then more war. Violence did not let up after 1949—especially for the hundreds of thousands, perhaps millions, who were "class enemies" on the wrong side of an ideological divide; or for the hundreds of thousands of Chinese soldiers sent to fight and die in Korea so soon after unification. And even with peace, prosperity didn't come: 1955 saw Mao announce a "high tide of collectivization," which was followed by the tragic folly of the Great Leap Forward and ensuing famine, in which tens of millions perished.
A friend of mine named Jeremiah Jenne who taught US college students at a program here in Beijing once said something to the effect of, “When Americans create their movie villains, when they populate their nightmares, they create Hitler and the SS again and again: Darth Vader and the Stormtroopers.” The fear of the liberty-loving American, he implied, is of a surfeit of authoritarianism.
What of the Chinese? The Chinese nightmare is of chaos—of an absence of authority. And such episodes of history are fresh in the minds of many Chinese alive today—only a handful are old enough to actually remember the Warlord Period but plenty can remember the Cultural Revolution, when Mao bade his Red Guards to go forth and attack all the structures of authority, whether in the classroom, in the hospital, in the factory, or in the home. And so they humiliated, tortured, sometimes imprisoned and sometimes even murdered the teachers, the doctors, the managers, the fathers and mothers.
In the 25 years since Deng inaugurated reforms in 1979, China has not experienced significant countrywide political violence. GDP growth has averaged close to 10 percent per annum. Almost any measure of human development has seen remarkable improvement. There are no food shortages and no significant energy shortages. Nearly 700 million Chinese now use the Internet. Over 500 million have smartphones. China has a high speed rail network that's the envy of even much of the developed world. China has, by some measures, even surpassed the U.S. as the world's largest economy.
So try telling a Chinese person that anyone willing to trade a little personal liberty for a little personal safety deserves neither liberty nor safety, and they’ll look at you like you’re insane. Therein lies the values gap.
Part II — The View through China’s Window: Liberal Hegemonism in US Foreign Policy
In the first part, I laid out a case for why it’s quite natural, given the tendency of Americans (as with all people) to ignore or understate historical contingencies and recognize their own privileges and prejudices, for Americans to be puzzled by Chinese acquiescence toward—indeed, by their often quite vocal support for—a political system so execrable by certain American standards.
The hubris of some Americans about their own political system seems to me especially natural, even forgivable, in the years following the collapse of the Soviet Union. From the vantage point of 1991, a kind of triumphalism was inevitable: the liberal west, with America at its vanguard, had just vanquished the second of the century’s great ideological enemies. First was Fascism and Naziism with the defeat of the Axis powers in 1945 (never mind that Bolshevik Russia, from the time Hitler invaded Russia, never faced less than two-thirds of German divisions in the field), then Bolshevism with the end of the Cold War.
And what was on the minds of Americans—who had watched the Berlin Wall come down, Lech Walesa and Vaclav Havel assume the Polish and Czech presidencies, Yeltsin defend the Russian parliament and Gorbachev declare the Soviet Union’s end—what was on their minds as they turned thoughts to China?
Tiananmen, of course, with its incredibly potent imagery: a million people in the Square, Tank Man, and the Goddess of Democracy. Looming ever present in nearly every conversation about American perception of China in the last quarter century—now in the background, now in the fore—is the bloody suppression of the 1989 student-led protests in Beijing. (Fun Fact: The first democratic elections in Poland were held on June 4, 1989, the very day of the crackdown on the Beijing protests).
The years that followed the end of the Cold War would see gathering in American foreign policy a new ideology that would come to supplant the realist school that had dominated from the time of Richard Nixon. This is what the MIT political scientist Barry R. Posen calls Liberal Hegemonism: an activist, interventionist thread that believes in the pushing of liberal democratic politics and capitalism through all available means from “soft power,” to operations aimed at destabilizing authoritarian governments, to actual preemptive war (the Bush doctrine) and the “regime change” of the Neoconservatives. Some of its basic assumptions—not all, but some—are shared both by liberal interventionists and NeoCons. For American liberals, it was guilt from failure to act in the Rwandan Genocide, or to the “ethnic cleansing” that characterized the wars during the breakup of Yugoslavia, that gave impetus to this; for NeoCons, it was the unfinished business of Desert Storm. They found much common ground in their support for “color revolutions” in the former Soviet republics. They may have debated tactics but the impulse was to spread American values and institutions, whether or not doing so would serve a specific and definable American interest. That could be done the Gene Sharp way, or the Paul Wolfowitz way. Neither way was something Beijing wanted done to it.
And I don’t think it takes a whole lot of empathy to see what things have looked like from Beijing over the last 25 years. Deng Xiaoping, while he was still alive, pursued a policy of “biding its time and hiding its power” as he focused on building China's domestic economy, avoiding any real confrontation and trying to rebuild relationships post-Tiananmen.
But it wasn’t long before tensions sparked. In May of 1999, US smart bombs fell on the Chinese embassy in Belgrade, and virtually no Chinese believed the American explanation that it was a mistake, the result of an out-of-date map that showed the embassy as an arms depot. Later, in April of 2001, the collision of an American EP-3 spy plane with a Chinese fighter jet off of Hainan Island, off China’s southern coast, sent another chill through Sino-American relations. And things looked like they might have taken a turn for the worse, had not September 11 taken the pressure off.
The “War on Terror,” which China could notionally join in, distracted the U.S., which quickly found itself fighting two long wars in Afghanistan and Iraq. Meanwhile, the Chinese economy was in high gear, chugging along at double-digit growth rates right up to the eve of the Financial Crisis. The Sino-American waters were probably never calmer than in the years between 2001 and 2008.
Perhaps history will see 2008 as an important turning point in these attitudes: during the same year that China staged its first Olympic games, the financial crisis, which China weathered surprisingly well, walloped the West (and much of the rest of the world) with what was arguably its signal event, the bankruptcy filing by Lehman Brothers on September 15—happening just three weeks almost to the day after the closing ceremony of the Beijing summer games on August 24.
It was China’s turn to feel a kind of triumphalism, which often took the form of an unattractive swagger. Meanwhile, a sense of declinism gnawed at the American psyche. After 2008, China became the object of global (read: American) attention again, fueled for some by anxieties over the rapidity of its rise, in others by anger over major flare-ups in western China: riots in Lhasa, Tibet’s capital, in March, 2008, and in Urumqi, Xinjiang’s capital, in July, 2009. Factory conditions became a growing concern as Americans realized that even the most sophisticated electronics they sported—everyone had an iPhone by then, right?—were manufactured in China.
Remember, too, that excitement over the political potency of social media was also enjoying something of a heyday in this period of liberal hegemonic ascent. As one color revolution after another was live-tweeted (Moldova was perhaps the first, but not the only, of the street movements to be called “The Twitter Revolution”), as every movement had its own Facebook page and Youtube channel, China’s reaction was to censor. There is, after all, one belief about the Internet that the most hardline Chinese politburo member shares with the staunchest American NeoCon: that the Internet, unfettered, would represent an existential threat to the Communist Party’s hold on power. They have of course very different views as to whether that would be a good thing or a bad thing. But can we really be surprised that, able as they are to open to the op-ed section of any American broadsheet and find this idea that Internet freedom is the key to toppling authoritarian single-party rule, the Communist Party leadership would conclude that their approach to censorship is correct? But this of course has created another potent issue over which Americans, very naturally, express outrage—and puzzled frustration that Chinese aren’t (literally) up in arms over Internet censorship.
Beijing obviously lamented the Soviet empire’s incredibly rapid implosion. It doubtlessly chafed at how NATO expanded its membership practically up to the Russian doorstep. It certainly hasn’t loved it that American troops are operating from Kyrgyzstan and Uzbekistan, and were present in great numbers in Afghanistan (which by the way borders China, if only at one end of the narrow Wakhan Corridor). Beijing has surely fretted as American-backed NGOs (the National Endowment for Democracy, or NED, is the big boogeyman for pro-Beijing types—perhaps as Confucius Institutes are the bête noire for their anti-Beijing American counterparts) conspired, or so they believe, with the instigators of color revolutions. And it certainly sees the Pivot to Asia—now rebranded the “Rebalancing”—as a species of containment. But what I suspect really has Beijing freaked out, what really seems to have confirmed that America still has its cherished liberal hegemonic ambition, was the Arab Spring. Is Beijing so wrong, looking out on the smoldering wreckage of Libya and Syria, at the mess that Egypt still remains, to want to avoid that outcome at whatever price? Or to think that America’s true, ultimate intention might be regime change in Beijing? Kissinger once famously said that even a paranoid can have enemies.
What does all this foreign policy stuff have to do with Chinese attitudes toward their government? It’s fair to ask this; after all, the question I’m trying to answer isn’t specifically about the Chinese state and how it sees things, but rather the Chinese people, and the attachment they seem to have toward a state that comes up so short by American measure. It’s the rare person who can truly separate, at both an intellectual and an emotional level, criticism of his or her country from criticism of his or her country’s government—especially if that government is not, at present, terribly embattled and is delivering basic public goods in a reasonably competent manner. States tend to try to reinforce that conflation of people with state (and in China’s case, party). They encourage the basic state-as-family metaphor, something that in the Chinese case is part of the deep structure of Confucian political thinking and is therefore probably easier to nurture than to extirpate. I don’t doubt that propaganda has a role in this, but I would assert that its role is generally exaggerated in American thinking about China.
In any case, if you’ll indulge some pop psychological speculation, I’ll go out on a limb and posit confidently that external criticism of a leadership will tend to, if anything, reinforce a citizenry’s identification with the state and blur the lines even more between “government” and “people.” Perhaps I’m wrong. But most people I know who are known to bitch occasionally about their own parents get awfully defensive when people outside the family offer unsolicited criticism. This seems especially to be the case with mothers.
And so it is that many ordinary Chinese citizens, online and inevitably aware now of the timbre of China discourse in English-language media, tend to elide criticism of the state and Party with criticism of China, and take it personally. They feel a distinct sense of having been singled out for unfair criticism and will reach easily for handy explanations: Hegemonic America can't abide another serious power rising in the world, and just wants to sow discord and strife to keep China down; America needs to create a boogyman, an enemy to replace its fallen Cold War foe and placate its military-industrial complex. And in any case, America doesn't appreciate just how far we've come under the leadership of this party, however imperfect.
People will debate what the Party’s real role has been in poverty alleviation: is it accurate to say that the Chinese government “lifted 300 million people from poverty” or is it more correct to say that they mostly got out of the way and allowed those people to climb out of it themselves? (I tend to like the latter phrasing). That’s not the only accomplishment in China’s 35+ years of reform that will be fought over. But the simple truth is that by many, many measures of human development, the great majority of Chinese people are undeniably better off today than they were before Deng inaugurated reform. The grand unofficial compromise, in a kind of updated Hobbesian social contract, that the Party made with the Chinese people—“You stay out of politics, we’ll create conditions in which you can prosper and enjoy many personal freedoms”—has been, on balance (and to date), a success.
No thinking Chinese person of my acquaintance believes that the Party or its leadership is anything close to infallible. Most can be quite cynical about the Party, the venality of officials, the hidden factional struggles, the instinct for self-preservation. They’re fully appreciative of the Party and leadership's many shortcomings. They don’t shrink from criticizing it, either; they aren’t reflexively careful of what they say and who might be listening.
But they don’t bandy words like “revolution” about casually. They tend to have a sober appreciation for what’s at stake, for the price that would have to be paid. They’re realistic enough to understand that the Party is not apt to tip its hat adieu and go gently to history's proverbial dustbin. They still believe, and not entirely without evidence, that the Party leadership is attuned to public opinion and will respond when the will of the people is made manifest. They support reform, not revolution.
I’ve little doubt that desire for more formal political participation, for a renegotiation of terms in that unwritten contract, will grow stronger. That’s in the cards. You’ll get no argument from me that it’s been a raw deal for many people with very legitimate grievances. There are many who’ve broken with the Party-state, who openly or secretly dissent, whose relationship with it is entirely and irreversibly oppositional. Among these are many whose courage of conviction and towering intellects I deeply and unreservedly admire, and others who I think are mere gadflies or attention-seeking malcontents without a sense of what’s at stake. In the case of all of them, regardless of what I think of them personally, I regard it as a black mark on the Chinese leadership each time a dissident is locked up for ideology, speech, religious belief or what have you. But most Chinese people tend to be pragmatic and utilitarian; the state’s ability to deliver social goods gives it a kind of “performance legitimacy." The good (prosperity, material comfort, sovereign dignity) and the bad (a censored Internet, jailed dissidents, polluted rivers, smog) go on the scales. For now, it’s unambiguous in which direction those scales are tipping.
Part III — The Anglophone Media Narrative on China and Sources of Bias
If you're a denizen of the Anglophone world, your impressions of China are almost certainly formed primarily by the media that you consume. There are of course exceptions: some 100,000 Americans have, in the last five years, spent time working or studying in China; there are several thousand enrolled in East Asian Studies graduate programs, or taking serious upper-division undergraduate coursework on China, or pursuing an academic discipline that focuses on China; and there are probably a few thousand more who, for personal reasons, have taken more than a passing interest in China and have read a good number of books on contemporary China or on modern Chinese history, have undertaken the study of Chinese, or have otherwise immersed themselves in trying to gain a deeper understanding of China. Taken together, though, these people represent a small percentage of the general media-consuming audience—the college-educated American who, say, reads a paper once in a while, watches cable or network news with fair regularity, listens to NPR on her drive to work, and occasionally clicks on a China-related tweet or on a friend's Facebook page, or her counterpart elsewhere in the Anglophone world. All told, that's several tens of millions of people, I'm guessing, in the U.S., Canada, the U.K., Ireland, Australia, and New Zealand.
It's worth reflecting on that, for this majority of news-consumers, impressions of China are almost entirely dependent on the reporting produced, at least regularly and in the main, by probably fewer than a hundred individuals. I'm talking about the reporters for the major newswires like Reuters, Bloomberg, Dow Jones, and AP, whose stories appear not only in the major papers and on news portals online, but also in smaller metropolitan and even local markets; the journalists who write for the major newspapers and news magazines; television news reporters; and the foreign desk editors, subeditors, and producers working with the reporters. There are also the news assistants, unsung heroes without whom many of the China-based reporters who haven't mastered enough Chinese to read local media or documents, or conduct interviews in the native tongue of their interviewees, would be unable to do their jobs. If we include them, the number perhaps doubles but it's still no more than 200, perhaps 250 individuals whose contributions to the gathering, reporting, writing, and editing of news and the creation of news-related commentary actually matters.
What, though, do we really know about these people? If this is the lens through which so many Americans (once again, I'll remind folks that "American" here is really shorthand for Anglophone westerners) view China, it seems to me very sensible that we should wish to understand something about the optical properties of that lens. Does it distort? Of course it does; it could not but distort, could not but offer only a partial and selective view—this mere few score of reporters trying to present a picture of the world's most populous nation as it hurtles ahead with unprecedented force (in the f=ma sense).
This is not an indictment. These are people who I very much respect—indeed, the very people who these days comprise most of my personal circle of friends—and they are people who have my sympathy for what they must often endure in reporting from China. It's not an easy place to report from, especially if you're reporting on things that the Chinese government, or someone at least, doesn't want reported—and what else, after all, really qualifies as news reporting? They are subjected to some pretty shabby treatment, everything from the talk-to-the-hand they'll get from government ministries, to veiled and not-so-veiled threats related to visa renewals, to roughing-up by local thugs or plainclothes cops or even uniformed ones, to surveillance and harassment. I think if there's a source of bias with which I'd start my list, it's this. Seems only natural that this kind of treatment of a journalist anywhere would beget less than rosy coverage of the institutions doling it out. Negative coverage begets more of that nasty treatment, and so on in a most un-virtuous circle.
Should the journalists be faulted for focusing on the things that power, whether political or corporate, wants to hide? No, I don't think so. Rightly or wrongly—and I'm unambivalent in my personal belief that it's "rightly"— this is what gets the journo juices flowing. Journalism is not about the quotidian.
The historian Will Durant once wrote in The Age of Faith, "We must remind ourselves again that the historian, like the journalist, is forever tempted to sacrifice the normal to the dramatic, and never quite conveys an adequate picture of any age." I would note that while the historian can write enormously lengthy monographs in which some of that normal can be restored and that picture made more adequate, the journalist just doesn't have that leisure, and his sacrifice of the normal is more forgivable.
And yet it has an impact on perception; it's still a source of distortion, of bias. This failure to focus on the more "normal" is, I would assert, one of the major reasons for the disconnect at the heart of the original question: the prevalence among Americans of "Why don't you hate your government as much as I think you ought to?"
One of the more regrettable outcomes of this particular bias in the way China is reported reflects in the (notional, educated, mainstream-media-consuming) American public's understanding of the Chinese intellectual. Reporters tend to focus not just on critical intellectuals but on the more outspokenly critical ones, on the full-blown dissidents, on the very vocal activists, on the writers who challenge the establishment on human rights issues, on freedom of speech, on rule of law, on religious policy, on minority nationality policy and so forth. Of course they focus on these people; they're "the dramatic," in Durant's phrase. They set out to excite so no wonder that many of them are exciting. They play to the American love of the underdog. They flatter American values.
It's right, I believe, to focus on intellectuals. One could make a very serious argument that China's history is at some important levels driven by the dynamics of the relationship between intellectuals and state power, whether dynastic or Party. Dissidents and the more stridently critical intellectuals certainly are part of that dynamic. But I would submit that it's actually more important to understand another type of intellectual, and another mode of relations between the intellectuals and state power, between, if you will, the pen and the sword: the "loyal opposition," who during most times—including this time—comprise the real mainstream, and who see it as their role to remonstrate and to criticize but not to fully confront. It's these voices, a kind of "silent majority," to use an apt phrase whatever its connotations in the American polity, who go too often ignored in our reporting. Because "Noted Chinese scholar is basically okay with the government, though he thinks it could be improved in X, Y, and Z" is not a particularly grabby headline or a compelling read.
There's also a kind of source bias that's related to this and it's regrettably caught in a bit of a feedback loop, too. The general impression is that Anglophone media is pro-dissident, and so dissidents will tend to go on record with or speak at greater length with Anglophone reporters; moderate or pro-Party intellectuals will tend to decline interviews and comment, and the impression that Anglophone media is biased in favor of the dissidents gets reinforced: the narrative that they want is buttressed while the other is marginalized or weakened.
Another almost ineradicable bias in Anglophone media reporting, so prevalent that it's almost not worth pointing out, is bias in favor of democratic polities. Authoritarian states like China tend to get reported on unfavorably because they behave like authoritarian states. They don't allow, by definition, rival political parties to freely form. They don't allow a free press. They censor the Internet. And of course journalists in the Anglophone world are themselves on the front lines of these speech and press issues. It's almost tautological that the press of the free world would want to free the press of the world.
submitted by inkspring to u/inkspring [link] [comments]


2020.06.18 21:06 SoftUse Desi self hate vs Black/Hispanic self hate

I saw this comment on Quora and wanted to ask you waht you thought of it.
"For Asians in America, their immigrant parents often fail to support them in issues unique to growing up as a racial minority. Black Americans and Hispanic Americans tend to have a strong sense of community that helps them in facing discrimination, while the Asian American community largely lacks this (a simple part is just numbers).
What passes off as 'Asian culture' these immigrant parents give their children often has no positive association for their kids, things like "not allowed to play contact sports", "practice instruments when other kids go out to play", "get beaten when grades are poor", "no dating until you become a doctor" and so on. Asian Americans then see this as what makes them different from other Americans, a list of penalties inflicted on them for the misfortune of being born Asian.
There is also no exclusivity to Asian culture in America. That sounds rather odd, but an important part of a cultural identity is to be culturally distinct. All Americans (of any color) are free to eat Chinese food, practice martial arts, read about Feng Shui, and Steve Jobs is the star of Buddhism. Chances are, an Asian-American will learn more about actual Asian culture listening to a Wu Tang Clan album than anything his dad told him. Any other race can be 'more Asian' than the Asian and that's acceptable.
On the other hand there is an exclusivity to Blackness, to being Hispanic, that these distinctly-non-white-cultures in America are proud of, maintain, and White people are cautious to intrude on."
What do you think of this? Does this apply to Desi culture as well? I do notice that we are more religous and more likely to participate in cultural activities compared to other Asians. We do also have similar stress and have restrictions on dating.
key difference for dating is that we ALSO have arranged marriages AND our parents look down on dating White people while Asians are encouraged to or are much more open to their kids dating Whites unlike Desis
submitted by SoftUse to ABCDesis [link] [comments]


2020.03.24 16:20 acloudrift sidebar text of r\DebateAltRight minus rules, with annotations

annotations by u\acloudrift appear in {}, and as links (none in original), advisory to readers: not all links are perfectly compatible to your author's ideas, but are included for their significant value to the topic; for example, any article that prefixes "far" with "right" has an intrinsic Leftist/Globalist bias; be sure to have a salt shaker handy; ++ not a quick read
What is the Alt-Right? {raison d'etre}
• {identity} The Alt-Right {aka "we"} is a political movement defined by self-advocacy of Europeans (whites).
• {publicity} Self-advocacy is necessary to ensure self-preservation. White peoples are being displaced and replaced through foreign mass migration, forced integration, and promoted miscegenation.
• {population, demography} In the period from 1950 to 2050, just 100 years time, the United States assuming present trends will have declined from a 90% white nation to a minority white nation. If current trends {immigration, reproduction rates} continue, Europe will be a majority Muslim continent at some point in the future.
{check it out} Historical racial and ethnic demographics of the United States Race\Ethnicity, USA (interactive maps) World Population trends, USA featured item, click to enlarge images detailed USA Demographics wkpd analysis, jump to projections 2050 United States Population wrldmtr scroll down to forecast World Population Growth (illustrated) 2019 6 demographic trends USA, world 2019 Older People Projected to Outnumber Children 2018 Census Infographics index
What will be the USA population 2050 by race? {confused, but interesting}
{political attitudes drift over time; what if immigrants assimilate to white majority? LoL; not going to happen, ++ whites would not be satisfied anyway, see post by D Prager; Muslims can never assimilate, by definition of Muslim. As population becomes more powerful, they demand We/US natives assimilate to THEM.}
Political Assimilation of Immigrants and Their Descendants 2015 CATO Do We Really Want Immigrants to Assimilate? 2000 USA, A Nation of Immigrants Only If They Assimilate 2017
Reality of Darkies in Your Neighborhood 2012 (warning: if you are allergic to LoLs, or a snowflake, skip this one)
US Politics 2018 PewRC, page 1 of 5 Hispanic/Latino Demographics 101 articles, index Asian American's population diverse, growing 2017 Why Muslims cannot assimilate into Canada, America, Europe and western countries 2017 Why don't Muslims assimilate to western culture when they immigrate? 2015++ Major Roadblock to Muslim Assimilation in Europe 2011
{culture enclaves are the only way to accommodate diversity peacefully, alternates are Plan A, and Cull, The Great Population}
Enclave and exclave wkpd
Islam, Western Culture BYU
All Universal Morality claims are false
• We believe this destruction of European peoples, European cultures, and European nations must be stopped.
The alt-right encompasses a variety of ideologies outside of mainstream American conservatism and classical liberalism. It has a deep philosophical and intellectual background and can include various economic theories from socialism to free-market capitalism, and various modes of government, from fascism to direct democracy. The alt-right has significant overlap with the Identitarian movement in Europe, {USA too, as usual, the wikipedia article is a hit piece to paint this particular identity black}.
Tenets of the Alt-Right:
We believe in the Self-Advocacy, Self-Determination, and Self-Preservation of European peoples {(fictional adventure)} and nations. {note frequent reference to 'self'; it does not mean selfish, it means independence is our strength (not diversity), or no dependence on a nanny state}
We believe in Race Realism - Race is a legitimate biological category, races have differences with real-world implications, and race is the foundation for identity. {and human societies are naturally competitive, that's why they call it the Human Race, see AmRen, and 'swallow the pain': read this with irony at heart; or if you want something to really 'turn your stomach'; this is a thread going into a deep 'rabbit hole'}
We believe in Sex Realism - We understand that gender and sex do not vary independently, and that the sexes have significant biological and psychological differences {XX ≠ XY, for every cell in the body}. We favor traditional roles for men and women, and the family unit as the basis for society. Female Mystique... WTF is going on here? Insights into dating-mating culture wars, illustrated
We believe that Demography is Destiny 2019 - In order to preserve a nation or culture you must preserve the type of Man that created it. Why is preserving culture and tradition important? Why we need to preserve cultures 2015 Preserving Cultural Heritage 2010 (note: this VoA OpEd voices a turnabout in national policy) Prior to China’s invasion in 1950, Tibet maintained a unique culture, religion and language for centuries. nation defined
The notion that a State could replace one ethnic group with another and achieve identical outcomes strikes us as absurd. The more the US looks like Brazil, the more the US will function like Brazil.
We believe in Ethnonationalism - A Nation is not defined by land, nor by government, nor by ideas {anymore, because the idea of nation is new}. A Nation is a People, united by a shared heritage, language, ethnic ancestry, {a written Supreme Law, and untied by foreign subversion, more at end of paragraph}. Nations are merely extensions of the fundamental, evolved {overdeveloped} human impulse toward tribalism based on kinship. See Breakdown of Nations, Kohr (summary), and Act of 1871: The “United States” Is a Corporation.
We believe in Love of our Own, {but maybe} not Hatred for Others - "Racism" is traditionally defined as irrational {by PC crowd, but entirely rational by AltRight} hatred for another race. Our ideology is {for sake of acceptance on Reddit} not focused on hatred for others, but on a desire to preserve and protect European peoples. {unless they are a certain group from east Europe and Russia who've infiltrated western societies, but we need to be careful about this, it's taboo}
We believe in embracing National and Ethnic Identity {same as Israel has done, decrying their version of Blut und Boden to confiscate Palestein}, symbolism, and ideals... while also supporting a united and cooperative European Identity {which is NOT represented by EU, which claims it's UNFINISHED E Kant, Perpetual Peace (part 13) 2016}.
We believe in {World Wide} Ethnic and Cultural Diversity - But true diversity can only be maintained internationally through the continued separation of distinct peoples and cultures {IOW Segregation}. What people call "diversity" today is really {mandatory} integration, which destroys all forms of unique identity and {is intended to} blend away our differences into a bland mono-racial, mono-cultural world. Time's New Face (of America) 1993 diversity denier says: NOT a Melting Pot
We believe that Multiculturalism is a Weakness - {which,} within a nation's borders destroys social cohesion, decreases social involvement, increases crime and antisocial behavior generally, {and taxpayer liabilities for immigrant's "gibs"}. An ethnically, culturally, and linguistically homogeneous nation will tend to yield the best outcomes.
{example Japan
putting emphasis on community over individuals, because in Japan, society IS family
Is Japan a homogeneous country? If so, why? qra
Why is the crime rate in Japan so low? qra
8 reasons Japan is so clean 2016
Why are Japanese and Korean people so clean and orderly? qra
'Illusion' of Homogeneous Japan and National Character 24pg.pdf by Chris Burgess
Japanese revere fine craft works but including the heterodox philosophies of Wabi-Sabi and Kintsugi (artistic sensibilities are sophisticated, very unsqualidete (Custom Word Collection, scroll down) }
Parting gesture; sympathetic readers here are welcome to join me in the quest to 'scope' the RIGHT landscape from limb (outer edge of the apparent disk of a celestial body) to limb (remember astronomical telescopes show image inverted, LoL). acloudrift overview readers unsympathetic = pathetic, not welcome
Tried to post this essay at DebateAltRight, was removed by AutoModerator[M] "Your post was removed because it contained a word that violates one of this sub's rules." That's not free speech, is it? But then, no one can claim Reddit is about free speech, it ain't.
study notes
Tenets; this is correct, this word is often mistaken with tenants (renters).
You like America, huh? Take another look, it's more than mucked up... Ten Fucked Up Things American Government Does Not Want You To Know
https://duckduckgo.com/?q=hatred+of+jews+is+rational+Occidental+Observer%2C+Unz+Review&t=h_&ia=web
https://scifi.fandom.com/wiki/The_Culture
submitted by acloudrift to AlternativeHypothesis [link] [comments]


2020.02.23 22:14 cannedboelyn Men using weight gain and balding as an excuse for aging

I was watching a YouTube video with women wearing makeup. A comment pointed out that men get big bellies and go bald.
This was in response to the content of the video and guys saying they can’t trust a girl on a first date anymore because of makeup
Lots of guys used balding and having a big belly as an excuse of aging in this video. However there are plenty of celebrity men over 30 who are in shape. Balding or losing hair is not an excuse.
Look at Jason Statham, The Rock, Stephen Lang, Brad Pitt, etc
I was on quora where a guy waited until his wife’s father passed away and he started to get fit and eat healthy. He’s white and his wife is Asian. It was a question about Thai women dating foreigners.
He says his wife is 20 years younger and he knew he looked much older, but when he got healthy they nearly looked the same age. Excuse me wtf? So he waited until his wife’s parent passed away just to start putting in effort? He was even aware that he wasn’t making an effort on his looks
submitted by cannedboelyn to FemaleDatingStrategy [link] [comments]


2020.02.09 22:22 caspears76 What's it like to be a black American in China

I wrote this before, but everything applies to this question because I am African American, so my perspective is primarily from that lense, although there are stereotypes in China that clearly and usually overlap with how Chinese see all black people, as Africans, until they know otherwise. Most of the Chinese you encounter will never know you are not African, so all the African stereotypes apply to you as well until people know you.
I’m a black American, but most importantly I do not look like Beyonce, I look far more like a West African [aka dark skinned], so on sight I am considered black in China, and often assumed to be from Africa. Many Mainlanders will not consider people who look like Beyonce as black. Lets get that straight, they will make all sort of assumptions, from Southeast Asian, Arab, etc. SO people who are that “light” can be treated a variety of ways based on the stereotype of who is looking.
I lived in Mainland China (I spent 6 months in Chengdu and lived in Shanghai twice, for a combined 1.5 years). I also spent half a year in Taiwan.
This answer is not calling out all Chinese everywhere or even in China, it is talking about “on average” assessment of my discrete experience in multiple cities in China. I have done my best to speak in a way as to not judge all Chinese in a certain light.
I'm in a hurry so this will be more a stream of consciousness, but I think this will give you an accurate view.
First I would like to say, all blacks are not treated the same. Maybe on sight you are black, but if some/many people in China (not all) find out you are from a Western country, especially America, you might be treated better, I will get into that in more detail below.
This all comes down to money and status, the only things that mean much to most Mainland Chinese in 2015. I would say all majority Chinese countries I have lived in are money and status obsessed in comparison to Japan or most Western nations, so it is more a issue of "degree and not kind"...in my estimation Taiwan is the least so, Singapore, then Hong Kong, and Mainland China is the worst (especially the Eastern Coastal Cities), this matters, because if Chinese think you have no money or status you will not be treated very well by many people. In general, Chinese think blacks are poor and uneducated compared to them and especially compared to white people, but more sophisticated Chinese might see a black American are slightly higher status.
I have had Chinese change their opinion of me in mid-conversation when I was in a group with white ex-pats. At first, it is common people would ignore me or stare at me. Some might ask curious questions, but focus on the white people. Maybe the whites are English teachers or some other low job, and when the Chinese find out I am a manager at a multi-national, they quickly change their attitude toward me LOL.
English Teaching while black.
Most Mainland Chinese, outside of a handful of people in the major cities are not very educated, still very much like most people of the developing world. They have been brainwashed by the government, have limited to no contact with the international community, and are social status/class obsessed (thanks to Confucius) and skin color obsessed (thanks to their tradition). The only thing that trumps these things in modern China is MONEY.
If you are teaching English, and not white, it is better to do so at a university or public school (although pay might be slightly lower). There is some discrimination at these schools, but also it depends on how desperate they are. If you are in rural Sichuan, most schools are open, because it is hard for them to attract better Westerns to begin with. They are not inundated with applications like schools in Beijing or Shanghai. Most Westerns only know Sichuan makes spicy Chinese food, if they have heard of Sichuan at all, or maybe it is the "province next to Tibet" or something like this.
The very worst thing you can do, if you are non-white, is try to go to a training school. My friend worked at one briefly in Taiwan (where people are less backward and racist, but this is still an issue), and foreigners are simply there for entertainment/marketing purposes. This is not about education, it is simply about putting bodies in chairs, which equals more money for the owner. The schools know their clients, nouveau riche Chinese, who are basically wealthy "with low class attitudes and tastes".
These people do not know a damn thing about English or any Western nation, but what they see in popular media. They simply think any white person MUST speak English properly (regardless of their nationality) and this is good for their children. After all, this is what they saw on television, and everything on CCTV must be accurate and correct - if it is about foreigners. Meanwhile, the children usually learn nothing - the school owner gets rich. Scam.
Non-white English teacher, with any real qualifications, who comes to China to do productive work at a training school needs to reevaluate. You can use it as a way to get in the country and look for better work, but don't make it a life style or a perm job. If you want that, I would suggest going to Japan. There is some racism there, but compared to Mainland China it is not a big issue. Japanese are at least educated and civilized. I can't speak personally about Korea, but I have not heard many terrible things regarding race. Southeast Asian nations are also better, in that they tend to be more desperate for teachers and more laid back about race issues.
I have never had any interest teaching long term in China, because I already knew the game before I came here, why would I, as a black man, with real degrees and experience want to potentially work with some white guy with no education, who got the job simply because he was white. I would never degrade myself like that in the first place. A lot of "career teachers" (not all - there are good ones, but far far too many) are drunk losers, womanizers/pervs (meaning take advantage of unsophisticated peasant girl students), people who could not find work back home. The cool ones use it as a means to an end or studying Chinese.
If the schools taught properly, as in Europe, there would not be a market for all these BS prep schools to begin with. Actually, one can argue that most Chinese do not even need to know English at all, as they will never use it in life after their schooling is complete.
Corporate Jobs
First, I am an IT project manager. I have a master's degree and two bachelor's degrees from the U.S., I speak intermediate Chinese, studied at Shanghai International Studies University for a semester. I also have over a decade of IT experience, doing anything from programming, to business analyst work, and project management.
I would never move back to Mainland China to work. Beside the pollution and expense, comparative low wages... The economy is pretty good there, a lot of large companies have moved relocated there from other locales. It's better for young people who want experience and don't mind not making a lot of money. People who wish to travel in the region and want a home base, etc. However in my industry, tech, you won’t have a lot of time, because you will likely work 9–9–6 [九九六]
For me, it's not worth the money, and it would be very hard to get a job at a company there anyway. There are many people who can speak Chinese now, specifically overseas Chinese (American, Canadian, Brits, Aussies, Singapore) who all speak English and Chinese pretty fluently, many can ready and write as well. Unless you are senior management, it is hard to find a position as a foreigner now, and being black is not going to help you. Not to say everyone is racist. They are not, many Chinese are pragmatic.
Work culture is not great, many Chinese try to undermine each other, many will be jealous of you as a foreigner, and also you will work much longer hours than in a Western nation, most of the time. It will be hard to get promoted in a Chinese environment. I would suggest NEVER working for a Chinese manager who did not grow up in or spend considerable time a Western nation. The cultural differences will be problematic. They expect too much sacrafice, loyalty, and act too paternalistic. The good jobs, usually go to white people, senior management, etc. The worse jobs to non-white foreigners, usually. Unless you are sent over by your home office company, then you will probably be okay. I'm more talking about being recruited locally.
With blacks, many companies do not even know what to think about you, which is a benefit at times, but usually a disadvantage. Chinese are risk averse, and their general attitude about blacks is they are good at sports, but not good workers (due to lack of intelligence and/or wild behavior). Many people might literally be afraid of you, especially women.
I worked for two Western multinationals in China, one was European and one was America. I was hired by a group of Chinese at the American one, and I was hired by a Brazilian guy at the European one. I cannot report any real racism at either of these companies**, in the European one I was one of two black people there (the other was a black French woman) and at the American one I was the only black.**
One reason I went to Singapore, is because Singaporeans offer a better standard of living for non-white immigrants. I have felt no real racism against blacks or dark people in general when I was there (but from some Mainland Chinese immigrants, not shocking). I'm not saying there is no racism, but people are at least respectful and educated enough to hide it. You might think this is fake, but it makes life more comfortable, and everyone speaks English and is more familiar with the West because of it, so culture shock is less.
The worst experience I had in Singapore, was with a Mainland Chinese woman actually... I walked into an interview with a Beijing woman, she was the only one not smiling and being friendly, she kept staring at me as if she is shocked. Then she gets aggressive with me and keeps challenging my basic knowledge (and no one else does this). I pay careful attention to this, because I've seen this attitude before, many many times.
I did not get the job, the Indian recruiter told me he thought it was racism, and was shocked because he referred many people there before with no problem, and the Singaporean and French guy who also interviewed me wanted to hire me, but they were IT, and did not control the budget, the Mainland woman vetoed them.
I was also blocked for a job, due to race, at a Taiwanese company (in Taipei). I was referred by a white South African, who said all I had to do was show up, interview well, and I would get the job, very simple. The South African guy was in the interview, the Taiwanese boss obviously did not know I was black as he was shocked to see me and kept starring. He asked me questions like "do you like to play basketball" because I'm 6'2" (189cm) and black. He seemed to think this was a big joke and asked me why I didn't apply somewhere else...and "why would you want to be in Taiwan"...he didn't even refer to my resume once. The next day, my South African friend, wrote me a letter of apology for his bosses behavior, which he himself found shocking. He also attributed this to racism. They were an electronics OEM company.
Socially
Most Chinese will be indifferent to you, find you an object of curiosity, find you repulsive on sight, want to be friends with you because they think they can get something (even more "face" from their children friends), or simply fear you. You will make Chinese friends, who are good people, but reality is you will have to work at it more than a white foreigner. I'm not sure comparing to other "Asians", but Asian American friends (whom I used to hang out with more than White Americans) would complain they felt they were held to a higher standard and not given the social benefits whites got either. Yes that sucks, but at least they do not stand out, better to be an invisible minority if you are going to face discrimination, than a visible one.
If you live in Shanghai, most people will ignore you. You might notice most whites are ignored too, but in social situations whites are often fawned over, you won't get this attention, but maybe in a very rural area, but it will be more like "shock"...
If you live in an area with a lot of Chinese from other provinces or you live in a rural province, people will stare at you and talk about you a lot in public. It could be so bad (as in Chengdu) you will have almost no privacy in public. people will take pictures of you without asking, people will talk about you, some children might even try to touch you to see if your skin color rubs off, people might approach you to try to speak English or as a dare from their friends. At first it is funny, but after a month or so you will likely hate it. Now you know what it is like to be famous, it sucks (unless you are rich). You will learn to avoid tourist sites in China, because most tourist are going to be Chinese from other provinces, and they will take pictures of you, make fun of you, and generally be very annoying and rude without regard for you (like you are a zoo animal...trust me, that is not an exaggeration)...most have never seen a black person before, and many will forget you are a human being (if they were ever sure you were human) and become obnoxious. Every place I have been from the Bund (Waitan) in Shanghai, to Leshan (Giant Buddha in Sichuan) people act like this. After this experience, I learned to feel sorry for famous people (although most ask for the fame).
This won't happen in Taiwan or Hong Kong unless you are around a big group of Mainland tourist, which you will quickly learn to identify (due to their Mandarin accent, and sometime the dress of the older ones).
As far as dating...
I've dated several Chinese women, mostly from Taiwan (even while in Mainland China), my current wife is from Hong Kong. She's great, but she has lived in America for a decade, so...a bit different. I never seriously dated anyone from Mainland China, Chinese tend to be racist,or at least prejudice. I got to the point, if the woman tells me she is from China, and she did not grow up abroad I ignored her or only treated her as a friend. Cultural differences are too extreme, and I do not want to deal with her attitudes or worse yet her friends and family. Not worth it. I like less drama.
Many girls in Mainland China are very socially conservative and do not date, they court, meaning they want to date to prepare for marriage. They might even interview you to see how much money you make, how much money your parents have, if you own property somewhere, etc. Do not take this offensively, they do this to Chinese men too, and might be more strict in their requirements of Chinese men.
Many rural girls are also virgins. In bigger cities, many girls do "date" but dating culture is quite different from the West, slower. My advice, if the girl speaks very good English, but never lived in the U.S., and can even use slang, and seems to be perfectly comfortable with you, it is likely she has dated a lot of foreigners before, i would "drop her like a bad habit". We used to call these girls "psycho xiaojie" they usually have a lot of issues. Usually…you have to judge it for yourself.
Many girls who will date a foreigner and sleep with a foreigner, especially a black one might never introduce you to their friends, because they are ashamed, they might be just using you to have an 'exotic experience'. Maybe you care about this, maybe you don't.
Introduction to parents is always hard, even if the guy is Chinese, and usually does not happen for a long time, if you are black, it may never happen, and be prepared that the parents won't accept you at all, will not see reason, will behave irrationally, and guilt trip your significant other into breaking up with you. This is common in China, even if you are not black.
Once when one of my exs (a Taiwanese girl) told her parents she wanted to come visit me, after she told them about me, etc. They had a fit. They said I'm black and they don't want half black grandchildren. They said black people were bad, because they saw so many bad things on TV, they were completely different from Chinese. Her life would be bad, etc. These are Taiwanese from a rural area near Taizhong, with no university education, one of whom grew up on a farm, talking down to me? Nice, but common. Many Chinese (Not all or most) are racist/social climbers, and this tends to increase with the age of the person, and for many they think it is commonsense. Many Chinese will not want their daughter to date or marry a white man either, but black will be even worse. There are also other reasons not to marry a foreigner...don't get me wrong (language issues between the foreigners and inlaws, the idea the girl might emigrate, which I've seen, but primarily that is not usually the issue).
Anyway, after criticizing her, her mother came in her room later and once again she should stop talking to me; it was bad. She refused, her parents were upset with her. She thought they will get over it in time. I told her not to hold her breath. I did her a favor, I broke up with her.
Oh but then her mother said "why didn't you marry that Englishman? I don't understand you..." :-O This Englishman was an "English teacher". :-O I am a project manager that has run multinational projects. That tells you the extent of their ignorance/racism.
I'm not very sensitive about race, it is just I've lived around Chinese people long enough to expect certain behavior and attitudes from a certain % of them...the older the people are the worse they are.
As I said, young people are much better...especially people under 35 or so. the problem is they have to deal with their parents. It is a group oriented society, and children are expected to obey their parents (even in adulthood) and live out their parents dreams.
The first Chinese girl I ever dated, was born in Shanghai, but grew up mostly in the U.S., every time I went to her house her father would talk to me, her mother would not say a word, just stare at me. She later told me (after we had broke up and she moved to another state) her mother was racist, and her father and her tried to talk to her, but she was convinced black people were lowly and she didn't want her daughter dating one. She said if we had kids they would be ugly and black. This woman had lived in America for a decade.
I have more stories like this. Like when you go to night clubs or bars with "white friends", guys who might not even be able to get girlfriends in their home country because they are socially awkward or physically unattractive. Many Chinese women will openly throw themselves at them (and the women who are higher class and more educated are probably far worse than the poorer more rural girls who are likely afraid of all foreigners). They think all whites look like movie stars. In bigger cities like Shanghai, people are more sophisticated they might target white men with money, English teachers are not attractive anymore, outside more rural areas. You will see this again and again though.
The funny thing is the women who are easiest to date are probably white women. If you are a native English speaker, as a Western black it will be easy to date many white Anglophone women, because they are generally ignored. Every white guy has "yellow fever" and is chasing local women, and many local girls are "easy". There are many bitter angry white women with body image problems. They are not used to having to compete against non-white women, and they are usually naturally bigger, so they feel fat or less worthy compared to the local Asian women. There was a bar in Shanghai, in the French Concession where it was almost nothing but black Africans and white expat women, for this reason. I'm pretty sure it was called "The Beaver".
Forget dating for a minute, when I first came to China, the very first day I was Shanghai, I was lost, and tried to ask for directions in Mandarin (I had a map with me), and a woman (about 30 years old) looked at me and screamed and ran away saying "HEI REN!!!". Seriously. That was my introduction to Shanghai. After this I stopped asking women for direction, in fact I only asked old men, they were nice, but often didn't speak Mandarin well.
People often had two attitudes toward me, stare at me in curiosity or move away from me in fear. It has gotten better over the last 10 years, but it still happens Once I was out with a Japanese girl in Shanghai, some Chinese guy called her a whore and said how could she be with a "black". I didn't fully understand them, but the Japanese girl did and got very upset (her Chinese was quite good). We were just walking down the street. in Taiwan, I was walking with an ex, and a group of guys riding on scouters yelled at us, saying the girl was only with me for me "big penis" and drove away quickly. they called her a "Western food eater" which is an insult in Taiwan for women who date Westerns.
Then again some people say all kinds of ignorant rude racist things when they think you can't understand them, just like Taiwanese talk about me on the MRT out-loud in public when I'm by myself (they won't do this when I'm with Taiwanese people), sometimes they try to be sneaky and instead of saying "hei ren" they just say "ta" is so big, so dark, where is he from?...etc Usually nothing really bad I can understand. Generally they are not saying anything with a hateful tone, it is almost with childish amusement or curiosity.
In China it is often negative, I've been on the Beijing MRT. I've been called "monkey" (Houzi), "dirty" (zang de), "stinky" (chou). I have had old people hold their nose if I sit next to them and say "hen chou"...too black "tai hei"...it goes on and on...it was not my imagination, it happened often. Strangely, in Shanghai it was not that bad or maybe less people were speaking Mandarin, I don't know.
A few years ago, I went to Beijing to visit a friend, a white Canadian guy who lives in Sanlitun, near where all the nightclubs are. He told me just a couple of week before I came there the police had attacked a group of black people and just started beating them. He said this happened before. They think the blacks are illegal immigrants from Africa. This was the time when the police had beat up the ambassador's son from some Caribbean nation, because he was black, and accused him of being a drug dealer (he was not dealing drugs). I have never had run ins with the cops in China, thankfully. They stare sometimes, but that's all.
Anyway the Beijing government did punish the police, but why were the police going around randomly beating up black people on the street in an area where most foreigners were white? There are no illegal white foreigners in China? I know some, they are everywhere, especially Eastern Europeans. But maybe it is more imagination, maybe no white people ever break the law in Beijing.
I would say compared to China, Taiwanese are much more civilized, and Singapore people are even better, but still...things happen.
There is racism in every nation on earth, and the targets of it vary by culture. It is an issue of degree, not kind. In Western Europe it is mostly directed at Muslims (especially Turks, Arabs, Pakistanis) but also Gypsies. I think one thing is that in Europe it is seen as low class to say racist things in public and outwardly show you have racist attitudes to groups of people. Similar in America now. In China it is seen as no problem. They don't have a culture that teaches them this is really wrong. Most of my Chinese friends think that racism is when you do something physically bad to someone due to their race. Saying nasty things, not hiring them, not associating with them, being publicly rude to them... is okay, it is up to the individual (at least in Mainland China)... as I said Taiwan is better. They try to hide it, usually.
So I'm not over-sensitive, I just have commonsense. In Europe I worked with international teams, and I was good at it, because I don't take anything at face value. You can learn a lot from people by how they behave. People give hints and clues, without saying anything. My father used to tell me "a man tells you what he wants and expects all day, if you pay attention to him".
I know some Chinese will say this is not true, I am too sensitive, there is no racism in China. I have heard it all.
For Chinese women, here is a test if you are not sure of your parents reaction to dating a black man. Tell your Chinese friends you were dating a black guy and see what their response is? BUT first, tell them you were dating a white guy from Europe...then say "oh but I really liked this black guy more, he was very nice" then see what their faces look like. haha
This is part of what it is to live in some parts of Asia, you accept it or you leave. White skin is preferred, there is a reason all this whitening cream is everywhere (something hard to find in Western nations). There is a reason they make everyone lighter than they are in magazines and TV. There is a reason many people have such strong fetishes for white people. I learned in 1999, that the guide books that talk about stereotypes Chinese have of Americans, was really referring to "white people" it had nothing to do with me. How I am often treated is definitely not like a random white person is treated.
In reality, people can dislike you for any reason or like you for any reason, but some reasons are more common than others, and have a stronger affect on how people act toward you. It pays to know your strengths and weaknesses in any situation so you can compensate, if possible. I learned this years ago.
I write all this in detail so you fully understand...I have a good friend, very smart guy who works for Apple in Shanghai. He is wealthy and highly educated, and he is quite bitter about being slighted or treated as less than white people who have far less accomplishments. It gets to him quite a bit. He mostly does not associate with Mainland Chinese due to this, only Taiwanese and Western people. I became like this too, so (and for many other reasons) decided to come home. I do not regret my decision, life is much better. That being said, if I could get a good paying job in Taiwan I would go there, but never again live in Mainland China.
My suggestion is, if you are in Beijing, Shanghai, or Guangzhou associate yourself with Hong Kongers, Singaporeans, and Taiwanese, you will likely have more fun.
Some of you might say "well China is still largely poor and that is how people in poor nations act". That is B.S. I've been to Cambodia, Egypt, Vietnam, Ethiopia, Indonesia...and people do not act this way. Only in Mainland China.
Addendum:
My wife is Chinese, my daughter is half Chinese, my in-laws are all Chinese…I don’t hate Chinese people. That is nonsense. Everything I said is true based on my experience, does Quora want that or do they want people to lie and make up stories. There is racism in the real world, there is ignorance in the real world…and it doesn’t just happen in the U.S.
submitted by caspears76 to TheChinaNerd [link] [comments]


2019.12.22 15:47 caspears76 Best and worst things about being a Western foreigner in Shanghai

Best and worst things about being a Western foreigner in Shanghai
I lived in both Chengdu and Shanghai, but this list mostly applies to Shanghai…I will insert some random pics of the ‘Hai Life ala 2013…I left and haven't been back. These days I mostly go to HK due to in-laws.

https://preview.redd.it/lklr4a2r57641.png?width=602&format=png&auto=webp&s=ca5f3038bef9b7c9dd01a009a76fa389530450c9
Pros: 1) Excellent and diverse Chinese food (as well as Korean, Japanese, etc) available at all hours.
2) Opportunity to speak Mandarin daily, with people who could not speak English (so forced me to improve my Mandarin quite a bit...at least spoken).
3) For certain fields (I work in I.T. Project Management) there are good opportunities. As a foreigner you might get put in charge of a larger project than you would at home, at a far younger age. Foreign education and experience is respected, but this competitive advantage is waning, because more Chinese are returning with education from Western nations, work experience, and English speaking ability. Working in China did help me with my career back home. Looks good on a resume.

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4) Explore: It's pretty cheap to fly to other Asian nations. China also has many places to see, it is about the same size as the U.S.
5) I think for people who are not from a minority in their native country it is excellent to experience being one in another for a time.
6) You will meet a lot of people from other nations, and you will all have something in common, YOU ARE NOT MAINLAND CHINESE. You will form a close bond with them (not just Westerns either, but maybe foreigners from other Asian nations).

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7) I preferred Chengdu to Shanghai. Shanghai has WAY TOO MANY FOREIGNER and I think that makes the Chinese that will deal with foreigners more jaded/corrupted. In Chengdu, foreigners are less, and I think for this reason Chinese there are more open to foreigners, without wanting anything. Also you do not have to deal with all the young drunk arrogant [usually white] English teachers out chasing relatively unattractive Chinese girls (thinking they are doing something big). LOL
8) It's generally cheap, especially if you live more similar to Chinese people, it can be expensive if you try to live a Western lifestyle in most large Chinese cities, especially in Shanghai. Foreigners get paid more than Chinese almost in every situation, but the salaries are usually lower than in the United States, maybe comparable to living in Italy or Spain.

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9) You can learn a lot from Chinese people about handling money, hard work, respect for family, etc. Well, assuming you aren't an arrogant Westerns with 'White Man's Burden" thinking you need to "educate the non-whites..." you can learn a lot.
10) You get to meet interesting people from all over the world…
Cons: 1) Open unapologetic xenophobia/racism (although not often, it does happen and no one seems to think anything of it, unlike in a Western nation or Japan where people have to at least hide their disgusting feelings in public).
2) Bad health care (if you want Western style healthcare it is expensive). Most Chinese doctors are reluctant to or unable to prescribe strong medication. Also you need health insurance as a foreigner, but many of the insurance companies require you to pay out of pocket and get reimbursed later.

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3) People staring at you and talking about you in public (right in your face), usually pointing out obvious things ("Look, he is tall and black"). It makes you feel like you are a zoo animal, and not a person. You never feel comfortable in public, especially when you go to a tourist area and "internal" Chinese tourist from rural areas are taking pictures of you without your permission. People generally assume foreigners cannot speak any Mandarin, so even if you attempt to speak they will not listen and say something in broken English like "No English" or "I Can't understand", but the last 50 people understood you just fine. lol

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4) General lower level of education in the population. Many people are "ignorant" (in the classic sense of lacking knowledge) and know little about what happens outside of China but for what they see on TV or movies (which is obviously bias). China is still a developing country - at least that is what the Chinese government says, when they aren’t trying to act like a great power.
5) POLLUTION (air, water, etc) Sometimes it was so bad in the winter in Shanghai, smog would literally come into the subway system - this is because coal is burned for fuel, it’s China’s most plentiful natural resource…most foreigners got throat or sinus infections at least once.
6) FOOD POISONING - it can happen to you, but it has gotten better.

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7) If you are single, heterosexual, then a lot of Mainland Chinese women are unapologetic gold diggers by Western standards (this is seen as commonsense but most women, especially in Shanghai, but also in other coastal cities)...at least the ones that will date foreigners. Many of these women systematically target foreigners because: a) They are not attractive in the eyes of local Chinese men, but foreigners can't tell that. b) They have some fetish. c) They want to get out of China and see you as a potential passport d) They are nuts. (We called them Psycho Xiaojie). My rule was, if a woman spoke English too well, but never lived abroad, especially if she could use slang quite well, then she had dated "A LOT" of foreigner (Westerns) and I would not talk to her again.

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8) Chinese women who are not like the women in #7. a) They might be cool but you might have to deal with her racist parents and don't be shocked if she breaks up with you if her parents do not approve. b) Like many women, especially from more rural areas she is not "dating" in a Western sense, she is "courting", meaning this is seriously about getting married and that is how she is immediately evaluating you, not because you are a foreigner, but because this is normal in China. I never dated Mainland girls, I stuck to HK and Taiwanese, much easier to deal with socially.
9) Social barrier between Mainland Chinese and Westerns. Mainland people tend to be more conservative in general and the culture gap is larger, so many Westerns live in "Expat bubbles". I hung out with Taiwanese people and Chinese Americans, mainly so I could speak Mandarin, but also because culturally they were more familiar. The cultural distance between Mainlanders and well…not just Westerns but anyone who has not been isolated in their own media bubbles by a communist government for decades is large…Taiwanese are also ethnic Chinese, but they are much easier to understand, so are Hong Kongers.

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10) Long work hours. China is competitive and not big on workers rights, so if you don't work the hours someone else will. Don’t be surprised if you work 9–9–6 (9AM-9PM, 6 days a week)…
11) Jealous Chinese coworkers might try to undermine you, and it is not hard for them to back stab depending on your position in the company, because you do not speak Mandarin/know the culture like a native. Best advice, don’t get into conflicts with locals, you will lose in one way or another.
12) Having to deal with "face". In a work situation it can get very annoying and inefficient to tip toe around folks egos…but…see #11.
13) There are many start-ups, and big multinationals. The multinationals are better, but I would recommend as a Western, NOT WORKING FOR A CHINESE BOSS. You probably will not like it unless they are quite Westernized, because they will expect you to be quite "subservient" [due to the traditional Confucian Hierarchy] I had a Chinese boss, it was not fun. Basically the attitude is “if they are paying you, they own you”…

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14) French people in Shanghai (sorry, but...I had a good experience with French people in Europe, but French people in Shanghai, on average, are young arrogant first class a-holes…my experience, obviously that can’t be 100% true, but more true than other groups I met, but maybe Aussies.).
15) Due to bank regulations, it is hard to transfer large amounts of money back home.

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16) Many foreign internet sites are blocked or just slowed (throttled down). Internal Chinese internet is very fast, usually. You have to get a VPN, but the ones that work keep changing due to the government, it’s really stupid and annoying - that’s when you remember you are not living in a “free country”, but an oligarchy.
17) In small cities, China was still mostly a cash economy,so I always had to carry cash with you, many people can't process ATM/Credit cards. That's changed…see comments!!

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18) In China you get paid once a month, at the bank your company tells you to bank at. In the U.S. you have freedom to choose your bank and you usually get paid twice a month, so this can take getting used to.
19) Han Chinsese [on average, and based on my experience only] tend to treat their minorities (mainly the ones who stand out, not the Miao, Koreans, etc, but the Tibetans, Weiwer, and others) pretty badly. If you doubt this, ask someone what they think of some of these groups and you might hear some EXTREME stereotypes, that are depressing and disturbing for a Western. Chinese have no problem stereotyping harshly based on group membership. You are a member of a group first, and an individual last. Thank Confucius for that.
20) General nouveau riche classicist/money obsessed behaviors and disgusting displays of wealth are kind of disturbing and offensive to the average Western...and to many Chinese actually, but …people “need face” so…

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21) Having to deal with entitled [usually white] Westerns who think they are "better than", who know nothing about Chinese culture, speak zero Mandarin, and walk about like they should be treated like royalty, and are extremely perturbed when they are not. I usually avoided these people, so I had few Western friends who were white. I mainly associated with Asian-expats and Asian Americans...(not many black Americans around). If you ever think white privilege does not exist, go to China and see the reaction of white people to being discriminated against, it is classic, most do not even know how to deal with it, because it has never happened to them before. Usually they "spontaneously combust". It doesn't help a lot of ugly (by local standards) Chinese girls, prostitutes from the Philippines and Vietnam keep their heads big, but you know...those people are desperate and see "money".

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22) Like most international hubs it is a transient place, so people will come and go...good friends will leave, so you have to make new ones. You will meet a lot of interesting people (and people you wish were never born) along the way.

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--------------------------------------------------------------------- Keeping all this in mind, as was told to me, foreigners don't leave China because they are bored, they leave because they get tired. China is a high stress place for everyone, which is why you will quickly discover half of all foreigners are binge drinkers.

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This is all a stream of consciousness off the top of my head...I wrote something special about being black in China, I think it roughly applies to being any non-white or non-East Asian in China to some degree:
Collin Spears's answer to What is it like for a black person to live in China for 1 year?

https://preview.redd.it/xq4uo05m67641.png?width=602&format=png&auto=webp&s=5aa36306ea3ee304bc277deae61c9ee5bef300dc
And that my friends is the ‘Hai Life
submitted by caspears76 to u/caspears76 [link] [comments]


2019.12.04 20:46 roseaustralia2020 Answers to Why do you "choose" to be with females? Isn't it "easier" being with guys

Here are some of the reasons I've researched and brainstormed about. There is no need to justify or prove our reasons for wanting to date women exclusively but here are reasons for ourselves or for those people who keep asking how we could "choose" women and how "real" bisexuals end up with men which isn't true. Cynthia Nixon is a bi girl who ended up with a woman.
These are points that work when comparing same sex and opposite sex relationships on average. While some bi girls may gravitate towards the straight privileges found in relationships there are bi and straight women who wish they were with women for the following reasons.
These are reasons to look at when the world and people make you doubt yourself or reasons to give people who are dismissive. I've exclusively dated and had relationships with women because of deeper connections. I had cyber relationships with guys but it never felt as good. The cybersex was so uncreative and boring it didn't inspire me to go onto anything in real life.
I've personally needed them being a closeted bi girl from a south Asian family and a community where heterosexual relationships are overvalued. For my self care I look at these reasons and sometimes journal/vent out of my feelings of heterosexism/homophobia and heteronormative society.
  1. More egalitarian household. More men are sharing responsibilities these days but its still not close to 50/50
  2. more equality in terms of decision making (less controlling, manipulative, possessing behaviour)
  3. more equality in terms of housework ( my gf is totally open to cooking and housework while i work)
  4. more equality in terms of childcare https://www.npr.org/2014/12/29/373835114/same-sex-couples-may-have-more-egalitarian-relationships - Well, what we found consistently in our research is that same-sex couples tend to be much more egalitarian in their relationships. They share decision-making more equally, finances more equally, housework more equally, childcare more equally. Basically every dimension we looked at, same-sex couples are dramatically more equal in the way they function together as a couple compared to heterosexual couples. -marriage if its a happy one leads to more mental health benefits but if it's not it can be a
  5. The ability to resolve conflicts without powerful struggle
  6. i get exhausted listening repeatedly to my straight friends and their power struggles with their husbands. For a relationship to be long lasting spouses must be able to influence each other. Guys are less open to this. My gf and i easily influence each other. Sense of humour is easily used to defuse tense situations https://www.npr.org/2014/12/29/373835114/same-sex-couples-may-have-more-egalitarian-relationships There tends to be less anger and aggression in their conflict situations. So when they're discussing a conflictual area, it's been found that same-sex couples use a lot more humor, are much more able to de-escalate the conflict discussion so that they don't get out of hand, whereas heterosexual couples tend to get more into a power struggle. The gottman institute which does lot of research into marriages and relationships confirms the same.
  7. More orgasms
  8. threesomes and random flings will only give those orgasms sometimes not as many as times as a same sex relationship.
  9. in some opposite sex relationships women's desire and pleasure is second place and passion dwindles with yrs.
  10. i think bi women in the survey were mostly in heterosexual relationships so their low frequence of orgasms. Or they knew what they were missing out and felt dissatisfied in their current relationships so they had lesser orgasms than straight women https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/the-third-wave/201602/why-do-lesbians-have-more-orgasms-straight-women The extended duration of lesbians’ sexual encounter (as compared to heterosexuals) may provide women the necessary amount of foreplay that's missing in many heterosexual sexual encounters, and it gives women time to get fully aroused, increasing the likelihood of achieving an orgasm.
  11. Better at resolving issues I see too much emotional control, power and manipulation in the lives of opposite sex couples. So straight couples maybe you can learn from us this time. Females tend to not have as much space as men https://www.gottman.com/about/research/same-sex-couples/ Gay/lesbian couples are more upbeat in the face of conflict. Compared to straight couples, gay and lesbian couples use more affection and humor when they bring up a disagreement, and partners are more positive in how they receive it. Gay and lesbian couples are also more likely to remain positive after a disagreement. “When it comes to emotions, we think these couples may operate with very different principles than straight couples. Straight couples may have a lot to learn from gay and lesbian relationships,” explains Gottman. Gay/lesbian couples use fewer controlling, hostile emotional tactics. Gottman and Levenson also discovered that gay and lesbian partners display less belligerence, domineering and fear with each other than straight couples do. “The difference on these ‘control’ related emotions suggests that fairness and power-sharing between the partners is more important and more common in gay and lesbian relationships than in straight ones,” Gottman explained.
  12. More flexibility in terms of roles
  13. roles in the house and outside
  14. more flexibility in who can have kids through artificial insemination etc.
  15. not having to worry about birth control and contraception
  16. flexibility in thinking about whether to adopt or foster care rather than have biological children
  17. your dreams and ambitions are not secondary to another
  18. you can make your own rules.
  19. Female true love is not necessarily the same as male true love. It is of different quality
  20. it is more intense emotionally and physically. If you have experienced this once in your life even if you end up with a man you wont forget it I read a book by a guy popular on US radio named Steve Harvey called "Act like a lady. Think like a man" Apparently he is a well known dating expert in the US and he believes men and women show love differently. Women expect men love to love them the same way and this leads to disappointment and disilusionment. This is a guy saying that men cannot love that way. A number of dating and relationship coaches often point out how men and women want love in different ways. Sorry men cannot. Only women can love the way described below in his book. replace men with women below.
"Nothing on this planet can compare with a woman’s love—it is kind and compassionate, patient and nurturing, generous and sweet and unconditional. Pure. If you are her man, she will walk on water and through a mountain for you, too, no matter how you’ve acted out, no matter what crazy thing you’ve done, no matter the time or demand. If you are her man, she will talk to you until there just aren’t any more words left to say, encourage you when you’re at rock bottom and think there just isn’t any way out, hold you in her arms when you’re sick, and laugh with you when you’re up. And if you’re her man and that woman loves you—I mean really loves you?—she will shine you up when you’re dusty, encourage you when you’re down, defend you even when she’s not so sure you were right, and hang on your every word, even when you’re not saying anything worth listening to. And no matter what you do, no matter how many times her friends say you’re no good, no matter how many times you slam the door on the relationship, she will give you her very best and then some, and keep right on trying to win over your heart, even when you act like everything she’s done to convince you she’s The One just isn’t good enough."
For men according to Harvey love means professing it, being protective and providing. It is unrealistic for a man to give that pure, unadulterated love that a woman can give. Having a threesome and expecting those benefits is like a thirsty person in the dessert parched for a few days trying to quench their thirst with a drop of water. It can never be enough.
"Well, I’m here to tell you that expecting that kind of love— that perfection—from a man is unrealistic. That’s right, I said it—it’s not gonna happen, no way, no how. Because a man’s love isn’t like a woman’s love."
  1. The struggle for lgbt equality unites us
  2. most opposite sex couples dont have this to unite them
  3. at the end of the day we may lose friends and family in being ourselves so we are each others world toxic relationships means an impact on your health. If your coming out can cause such toxicity to disown itself from you then thats a positive https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/high-octane-women/201108/the-hidden-health-hazards-toxic-relationships
  4. Females can process emotions and are more emotionally available then men
  5. yes this could be a weakness but it also means females are able to actively listen and can discuss/talk through emotions -they take on greater emotional labor in relationships.
  6. guys cannot take much emotional processing. If things get too emotional they retreat and stonewall
  7. men are from mars and women from venus. Doesnt this mean its more unnatural to have relationship interactions with people of different species then ur own?
https://www.healthline.com/health-news/men-and-women-process-emotions-differently-100115#1
  1. More sensitivity
  2. more nurturing
  3. celebrity status http://www.lesbiannews.com/how-different-straight-and-lesbian-relationships/ celebrity status. When a lesbian couple walks in people look and stare. Just give them a celebrity wave. You're unique and not like everyone else around more sensitivity towards periods and more care/looking after during those times which occurs naturally .more tlc when im unwell. 12.-16 https://www.yourtango.com/2016294172/why-same-sex-gay-lesbian-LGBTQ-relationships-better-than-heterosexual-couples Studies have proven that same- relationships are not only healthier and more communicative, but overall longer-lasting than heterosexual ones. -You can bond over gender-specific issues that someone not your gender would never understand.
13. They can get you where you want to be in the bedroom. - women know their own female bodies. They know about clitoral/vaginal/g spot/u spot orgasms and better at listening to feedback
14.
You can really understand each other on an emotional level.
15. Same-sex relationships also don’t have to worry about pre-determined gender roles. - we can forge our own path and our own traditions and ways of doing this without relying on a set pattern
16.
You can learn to love and appreciate the parts of yourself by loving the same things in your partner.
17. More initiative in sharing, being influenced by the other and better at sharing child-rearing responsibility 
In different sex couples only 38% share childcare responsibility. and in 62% cases one person takes primary responsibility
In same sex couples 74% share responsibility and only in 26% does one person take primary responsibility. Pretty big difference. Same sex couples were more likely to speak about division of labour whereas women in straight relationships were not This discrepancy in household work just widens with parenthood https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/wonk/wp/2015/05/07/study-men-are-lazy-to-their-core/?utm_term=.e612df93fd29 https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/wonk/wp/2015/06/04/what-gay-couples-get-about-relationships-that-straight-couples-often-dont/?utm_term=.1de5ed23b158
  1. Less expectations and pressure
“Relationship quality in same-sex couples was as high as in heterosexual couples in the United Kingdom, and higher in Australia.
“The lowest relationship quality in both countries was reported by bisexual individuals.”
The researchers suggested that gay and lesbian couples might have better relationships because they are less concerned about sticking to stereotypical gender roles. They also suggested that “individuals in same-sex relationships may be more likely than those in different-sex relationships to have high relationship investment.” 21. Expectations and conformity to heteronormativity in heterosexual relationships
 22. Better communication 
 24. Masturbation = practice for sex 25. Big spoon and little spoon versatility 
 27. Soft skin and lips 28. Breasts (better than man boobs anyway) 29. checking out other girls together 30. No unexpected surprises or pregnancies. When you want a child it's a chosen and joint decision. 31. Women make more active attempts to remember dates like bdays and make them special with flowers, special gifts etc 32. Males in general but not all have a higher rate of intimate partner violence, domestic violence etc 
Of course this can happen in a same sex relationship but i think its rarer. 33. Women appreciate you for who you are above just looks and they see your "flaws" as perfect. Like I have small breasts and guys have pointed that out . All the girls I've been with who have bigger breasts have said my breasts are perfect and I don't need to change anything about me.
  1. Women love to give cunnilingus more and don't see oral sex as a competitive thing in terms of who does it more.
Please feel free to add more if you have any others. Maybe there are guys who might have all the above but it's more common and frequent in females and female relationships. I would also like to start a private febfem chat. If you are interested please let me know.
It's not always easy being in a same sex relationship but that's not because of the relationship but because of society and straight presenting privilege. That's something we can work around. We can choose who we consider negative and toxic influences to exclude from.our life and build a positive and supportive network of chosen bi/febfem/gay/straight allies family. I have made my chosen family online and offline which is important since I'm from south Asian background and the patriarchy/pressures to settle in a heterosexual relationship are massive
https://thefrisky.com/6-major-differences-between-gay-and-straight-dating-according-to-a-bisexual-woman/
I am a psychologist so I can't emphasise how important thinking about out our mental health is especially since as bi people we go through more mental health issues. This is because of not having safe space, the insecurity of others especially males, being boxed into categories and not being able to vent .
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